Lawyer Jokes

[New take on old classic] A priest, a lawyer, a saxophonist, a doctor, a telemarketer and a rabbi walk into a bar. ""Ouch!""

There was this guy who liked cable cars, There was this guy who loved cable cars ever since he was young, he just enjoyed watching them roll up and down the large hills of San Francisco(A city in CA), he also enjoyed riding the cable cars, they were such a thrill to him. When he was a little bit older, about 18 or 20, he applied to drive cable cars as a job. He landed it and set out on his first time. It was so exciting and fun, the very thing he loved since he was just a young boy he was now dr…

Lawyer and Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a plane and the lawyer suggests a little game to pass the time. They'll take turns asking questions. If she can't answer, she gives him $5. If he can't answer, he gives her $50. So he asks her ""What's 5*95?"" She hands him $5. She then asks him, ""What goes up with two legs and comes down with three legs?"" He can't answer, so he hands her $50. He then says to her, ""Wait. What's the answer to your question?"" Without a w…

Why did the satanist become a lawyer? He wanted to be the devil's advocate.

Before you judge a person make sure you walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

An elderly couple file for divorce... ... After 60 years of marriage. The lawyer they meet with prepares all the paperwork but stops before handing it to the couple to sign and asks; ""By all means I can let you do this, but please let me know why? Why after over half a century of happy marriage would you want to end it now? What could ruin such a long streak of love?"" ""Well,"" replies the wife, ""we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.""

God and the devil were arguing with each other... ... God says to him ""I've had it! I'm taking you to court."" The devil says back ""yeah? Well where are you going to get a lawyer?""

A lawyer takes the bar

A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches. **Judge:** ""How many peaches were in the tin?"" **Woman:** ""4 your honour."" **Judge:** ""Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."" From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up **Husband:** ""She stole a can of peas too.""

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody... ...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.

A man lying on his deathbed called his three best friends to his side. They were his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. ""I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you *can* take it all with you. So to you, my three most trusted friends, I've put 50,000 dollars cash in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me."" The man handed the three men identical envelopes. A day later they each received news that, tha…

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to one another on a long flight. Bored, and thinking he could have some fun with her, the lawyer leans over and offers to play a game. ""We take turns asking each other questions. If you cannot answer my question correctly, you must give me $10. If I cannot answer a question of yours correctly, I will give you $100. Deal?"" The blonde agrees to play, and they exchange a few simple questions, both getting correct answers. Then the lawyer decides to ask some …

A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The show begins and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening. The comedian says ""A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The show begins and the comedian comes out for his second show of the evening.. The show begins and the comedian says ""A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm"". Just then a man in the front row stands up and says ""I think I've heard this before"". The…

BRAKING NEWS ... A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

I came in second at a Monica Lewinsky look alike competition. . . . . . the judge said I was close, but no cigar.

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, ""What is this?"" To which lawyer number one replies, ""It's that $50 I owe you.""

Screw anyone A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: ""Hi there good looking, how's it going?"" She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: ""Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."" He says: ""No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?""

Case In Court After The Jasleen Kaur Case He argued... She argued... . . . . He shouted... She shouted... . . . . .. and then she cried...... . . . . Result: She won by Duckworth-Lewis method !!

CHRISTMAS BONUS Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here? Secretary: My lawyer.

Divorce I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.

There was a guy at the basketball court He tried to make a shot in the fog. He mist.

Engineering in Hell Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; ""It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."" ""Yeah,"" Satan replies. ""All the more for me!"" God replies, ""You better send them up here immediately."" Satan says, ""No way. I'm keeping them."" God says, ""Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."" Satan laughs uproariously, ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""

ATTACK DOG A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. ""He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog,"" said the buyer. ""Well,…

A comely redhead was thrilled..... ......... to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man. ""Oh, Sam,"" she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, ""isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"" Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, ""Snatched drinks in grimy bar…

""Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under the condition that she remarry within the year."" When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to Wellington. Once they'd settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer. ""I want it to be nice and straightforward,"" he instructed the attorney: ""Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, unde…