Lawyer Jokes

MASTER PIECE COMEDY Husband & his wife went for Divorce at court. Judge : U have 3 kids...How will u divide them? They had long discussion with his wife & said "" Ok, sir We will come next year with 1 more"" Joke doesn't end here.... 9 months later....They got twins@

DROWNING LAWYER Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

The IRS Audits A Gambling Grandpa The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ""Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."" ""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,"" says Grandpa. ""How about a demonstration?"" The auditor thinks for a moment and sa…

A FEW GOOD LAWYERS A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ""What the hell do you think you're doing?"" ""I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."" ""Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?""

What is an out of date joke you still remember? One from the 90's: What do you call a little burro? A Burrito. What do you call a little taco? A Taquito What do you call a little judge? A Judge Ito

NATURAL DEATH In a court, a murder case was brought to a judge... JUDGE: Did you kill this man? ME: No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. JUDGE: Case closed.

BLACK AND BROWN Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher.

There once was a powerful king. There once was a powerful king who wanted to hire a different court jester for each month of the year. His financial advisor said that it would be best to only get 11 jesters, and simply have one repeat months. The king agreed and 11 court jesters were hired. Months roll by and everything is great. The October jester was a hoot. The November jester was a holler. The December and January absolutely killed the show, and February was no different. Unfortunately, the …

Man walks into a tavern. Man walks into a tavern and passed the bar. Bartender turns to him and says, ""You can't be back here."" Man says, ""It's OK. I'm a lawyer now.""

A man went to his lawyer... A man went to his lawyer and told him, ""My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"" ""Do you have any proof he owes you the money?"" asked the lawyer. ""Nope,"" replied the man. ""OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,"" said the lawyer. ""But it's only $500,"" replied the man. ""Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!""

Police behavior explained Welcome rookie! Along with obtaining your equipment and finding your patrol route and meeting your partner there is one very important system which you should read up on if you are going to become a respected member of the police society! We have issued a grading system within our ranks so we know who to promote and who to hold back and who to fire. Do you want to be a productive member of the police force? Of course you do! To assist in this endeavor we have created a …

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist are arguing about whether it's better to have a husband or a boyfriend.... The doctor says, ""A husband is better for the kids and for your mental health. More stability."" The lawyer says, ""No, a boyfriend is better because a husband can leave and take half your stuff, plus alimony."" Then the scientist perks up and says, ""It's better to have both."" The doctor and lawyer are surprised at their geeky friend and ask why. She pushes her glasses up off her nos…

What did one lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both lawyers.

A man visits a monastery. He sleeps in the most comfortable bed he's ever slept in. In the middle of the night he hears a beautiful noise that wakes him up, even from the amazing bed he is laying on. He realises that the noise is coming from a door in the corner of his room. He decides not to get up and goes back to sleep. The next morning he asks a nearby monk what the noise was. ""I'm sorry I can't tell you,"" he replies, ""you're not a monk."" So the man asks the monk, ""What will it take to …

Watching the news on the telly about a sunken cruise ship.... the TV presenter said she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court, all I did was glance at the wife and it's all fooking kicked off!

A lawyer asked the defendant in a court room: ""Objection, your honour! My question was, did you or did you not wanted to incinerate the victim for sleeping with your wife???"" ""Just answer my question!"" ""Yes, but, at a certain degree....""

This husband and wife had been driving for nearly 20 hours and decide its time too get a room too relax and get a little sleep. They find a nice hotel and get a room for the night. They go up stairs too there room,shower,eat and sleep.they wake up,eat breakfast ad go down stairs too check out. The receptionist tells them there bill is 350 dollars,the husband thinks he mistook the bill of being 350,so he asked again for the bill,the receptionist once again said 350,so the husband trys too argue h…

THE TEST A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked: ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.'''' Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0'''' Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''

A Lawyer opens his own clinic A recently down-on-his-luck lawyer decided to open his own medical practice. A large sign was posted, ""Checkups: $300 for me if successfully treated, $1000 for you if not"" Pretty soon, a doctor saw the clinic and, knowing a lawyer was running the place, saw an opportunity for a quick $1000. The Doctor walked in, and claimed, ""I'm having trouble with my nose, I can't smell anything, and I don't know what the issue is"" The Lawyer smiles and tells his nurse ""Drop …

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The organ was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another organ. As Billy began to play, the organ also cre…

What's a lawyer's favorite type of cake? Torte

I was recently in court with a necrophiliac as a judge... Everyone got the death sentence.

HOW MANY LAWYER JOKES ARE THERE? Q. How many lawyer jokes are there? A. Three...the rest are all true.

HELLACIOUS Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven? Hell was full.

LEGAL JARGON! Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian? A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!