Lawyer Jokes

So three guys are captured by a South American tribe... Three guys, Ben, Joel, and Josh are walking through the South American jungle one day when they are captured by an indigenous tribe and are told they will be allowed to go if they complete a trial. After some discussion they all agree and they ask what the trial involves, they are told they each need to go off and find ten of any type of fruit they can find. Josh searches hard and finally finds some small red berries, when he comes back, he…

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant So a lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are in a class. The professor writes 2+2=? On the board and asks all three of them what the answer is. The lawyer says ""well it's four"" The doctor says ""if we take away the plus sign we can push both two's together to make twenty two"" And the accountant looks at the question for a while, then says ""well what do you want it to be?""

A Jewish lawyer lost his job He celebrated the occasion with a disbar-mitzvah

""Please note that WinRAR is not free software. After a 40 day trial period you must either buy a license or remove it from your computer.""

Baby you were beautiful Until your Photoshop 30 days trial expired

Annual Snail Racing Day It was annual snail racing day and so, all the snails elected Snail B to judge while Snails J, P and O help set up the course. All the other snails then got into their designated soapbox cars, which were painted with their letter. Snail B yelled out four beeps, and on the last and higher pitched beep, all the snails started racing. At one point of the race, Snail S's car hit a bump and flew off the track, with him in it. Snail S landed several feet away from his car, badl…

not necessary to have a high IQ to be an attorney? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive …

One day in the courtroom... One day in the courtroom, there was a very big and intense court case going on. Mr. Larius was being charged with the first degree murder of his wife. He had plead not guilty. During the court case, the prosecution called up a witness to the stand. During the examination, they asked, ""Did you see the murder?"" and the witness said, ""Yes! I certainly did!"" Then the prosecution asked, ""Do you know who did it?"" and the witness said, ""Yes! I certainly do!"" Then the…

3D modelling a house A while ago my friend wanted to model a house on his computer before he could build a model for it. However after seeing the prices for some of the modelling software, he decided to see if he could do it in MS paint. ""That's crazy!"" I told him, ""You can't make a house plan in Paint"" Nevertheless he persevered. He actually didn't do too bad and his house plan was coming along well. However when he was nearing completion he realised that because it was top down, and not 3d…

Why did the dog lose the lawsuit? It was a shih-tzu

A lawyer, a tax-man and a murderer jump off a cliff in a race to the bottom. who wins? society

I heard that there was a new food court in Coruscant Its called Admiral Ackbar's Admirable Snack Bar

An farmer walks in to a lawyer's office in Alabama... And he says to the lawyer, ""Sir, I'd like to get a divorce."" To which the lawyer says, ""Well, do you have a suit?"" ""Yes, I sure do"", the man replies. ""Wear it to church every Sunday."" ""That's not what I mean. Do you have a case?"" ""No, you see I've always been a John Deere man myself. Never had a Case in my life."" ""Sir, do you have any issues with your wife. Did she cheat on you, is she a niggard?"" To which the farmer replies, ""…

Custody Battle Husband and wife are fighting in divorce court for the custody of their child. The judge asked the mother to make her case as to why she deserves to have custody. The mother puts on a passionate plea and shocks everyone in the court room. When she is done the judge turns to the father and says ""she makes a compelling case and doesn't look like your getting the child but I must give you a chance to speak"" Father knows he is screwed as he is standing up to make his statement, bein…

A man gets a job on a train... A man gets a job on a train. He starts off as anyone does, as a lowly janitor. He sweeps the floors, cleans the seats, and scrubs the windows. He doesn't get paid much, but he's a hard-working man, and does his job well. He's such a hard worker that eventually he gets promoted to ticket collector. He collects tickets very quickly and efficiently, and is happy with his job. Eventually he gets promoted from that job, and makes his way up the ladder and up the train u…

A long, furry pun... Ever since Jeff was a small boy, he has had a fondness for cute and furry animals. He loved movies with cartoon characters like Thumper, Pooh, and Tigger. His parents indulged him, buying plush toys and teddy bears. He never outgrew his fascination, and as a young man took a job as an assistant at a veterinary clinic so he could be around animals. In the meantime, he taught himself how to cut and sew furry costumes. He got quite good at this, making fantastically detailed ve…

Anus Judge Two illiterate Hillbillies were standing in front of the judge who was going to sentence them for raping a young guy. The judge said,"" The two of you have been found guilty of brutally raping a young man. Before I sentence you I want to know what was it which made you do such a heinous crime"". One of them replied,"" Anus judge"" The judge got angry listening to this and said,""Shame on the two of you for raping that poor young guy in his anus! I sentence the two of you to 20 years o…

What did the bear say to the judge? I bearly touched her.

Divorce Joke Mr and Mrs Beaver were concluding a bitter and painful divorce. The main bone of contention was the family home. It was towards the end of the case and the judge asked if they had any final statements for eachother. Mrs Beaver passed. Mr Beaver nodded and turned to his wife and with all the dignity he could muster said ""Frankly my dear, I dont give a dam""

How police officers argue with lawyers A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, ""What for?"" The sheriff responds, ""You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."" The lawyer says, ""I slowed down and no one was coming."" ""You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please,"" say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer, thinking he knows everything about the law says ""If you can show…

Divorce Couple goes before a judge. Judge says, What's the problem? Woman says, he's always talking about moving to England and won't stop calling me a cunt. Judge asks the man, Why'd you do that? Man says, The cunt doesn't want to move to England.

Why are furries always found guilty at trial? A furry curries only fury from a jury.

Judge:You are sentenced to death. Judge: You'll be hung. Wife from down the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG! Me: Your Honor please uncuff me so I can high five my wife.

In a recent court case, the defendant was charged with smuggling bombs inside of living cows... ...Upon hearing this, one of the jurors cried out, ""Abominable!"" (A bomb in a bull)

Endangered meal One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald ea…