Lawyer Jokes

What did the Peruvian defense lawyer say to the Peruvian prosecutor? Peruve it!

Guy opens a pub... A guy opens a pub in small US town. It just happens that there is church on the same street near by. Church people are angry and pray to god that he will be punished for his sins. Just happens that at the same day the lightning hits the pub and it burns down. Of course all the church people are happy but the owner of the pub decides to sue the church for damages! In court church management of course say they have nothing to do with it. Judge is thinking and says: ""I will not …

Why did the stoner take his wife to court? He wanted to get joint custody.

Typos change everything Mollahs wanted to bring the scientific method to Iran, but then someone in the process mistyped ""trial and error"" into ""rial and terror""

The NYC blizzard In anticipation of today's storm, Mayor de Blasio urged the city to prepare for ""something worse than they have ever seen before."" Or as most New Yorkers just call a potential shutdown by 12+ of white, ""a Staten Island grand jury.""

Why did u shoot ur wife ? Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover? Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

A woman entered her daughter's room and found a letter ""Dear mom I hate to tell you this, but I escaped with my new boyfriend. He's sweet guy although people judge him because the rings on his ears and nose, and his many tattoos and his big bike. I'm also pregnant. He tells me that we'll live happy in the forest and have many kids. He also tells me that weed is fine, and we'll grow it for our friends who will give us cocaine. Don't worry, mom. We pray to god that scientist will find a cure for …

I'm being sued by some atoms I think the court case will go fine, though. The judge knows they make everything up.

Joe and his tractors So there's this guy named Joe. For years Joe loved tractors. He was obsessed with them. He had tractor posters, tractor calendars, tractor bedsheets, tractor wallpaper, tractor simulators. Anyways one day Joe is at the annual tractor convention in LA and he sees the brand new XJ54330 tractor. It's the top of the line tractor and it's absolutely amazing. He asks the security guard if he can ride it but the guard says no. After some more arguing he offers to pay the guard $200…

Johnny in school At school, the children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ""Just think how nice it will be to look at the picture when you're all grown up and can say, 'There's Jennifer... she's a lawyer,' or 'There's Michael... he's a doctor' or..."" Suddenly, Little Johnny spoke out ""And there's the teacher... she's dead."" *edit: formatting

Yo momma's so fat... She was crowned dairy Queen of the food court.

People are like traffic lights You have to judge them by colour

What's the difference between a tennis ball and a white cop who kills a black teen? The tennis ball will actually see a day in court.

that did the trick. A pregnant lady that got on the bus She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... ""Well your Honor, it was like this…

The magic Dog A man goes to a casting show for talents with his dog. ""Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Gizmo the magic dog! I ask him a question and he answers it correct!"" The jury laughed, but he asked:""Gizmo, what is on top of this house?"" ""Roof! Roof!"", Gizmo said. The audience went quiet. ""Gizmo, what can sink ships?"" ""Reef! Reef!"", the dog said. One from the jury asked:""Is this a joke? This dog is just barking!"" ""Wait! One last question! Gizmo, name one famous composer!"" ""Or…

The Fishermen's Funeral A group of fisherman is out at sea when they are struck by a freak storm, their boat is flipped and they land in shark-infested waters. Their rubber boots are the only thing the sharks leave behind, and is all the families are left with as a memory. They decide that it would be symbolic to have their funeral together, because they were so close through life that they would like their lives to be celebrated together in death. The pallbearers bring out a single coffin, to w…

The custody battle A Man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: ""Your Honour!I carried the child for nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour.She should be in my custody"". The judge turns to the husband and says:""What do you have to say in your defence?"" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose. ""Your Honour! If I put money in a vending machine and a Coke comes…

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police Officer? QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police Officer? Don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes ar…

Request - Lawyer Jokes

The Continuing Adventures of Lawyer Mom, Episode 1 Lawyer Mom: ""Your Honor, my client is accused of murder in the first degree. But let me ask you, and everyone else in this court room, this: (Mom voice) Have any of YOU ever murdered someone?"" Everyone looks around at each other, confused. Judge: ""Um, no?"" Lawyer Mom: (Puts hands on hips, closes her eyes, and continues in Mom voice) ""Well then how can any of you tell my client that murder is bad if you have never even tried it? Hmmm?""

3 Ducks Go to Court The first duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, ""What is your name and what did you do?"" The duck replies, ""I am Duck QUACK and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond."" The Judge sentences the duck to two years and calls the next case. The second duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, ""What is your name and what did you do?"" The duck replies, ""I am Duck QUACK QUACK and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond too."" The judge says, ""Same as the firs…

What's worse than a dead lawyer? A living one.

""Real Tension"" A Sikh and his wife went for divorce at a court. Judge: You have 3 kids. How will you divide them? Sardar had long discussion with Wife & said: Okay sir, we will come next year with 1 more. The real tension? 9 Months Later... They got twins

A lady was showing her dog..... A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having the best dog in the show, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after the show and asked him why her dog wasn't coming in first place. ""Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have the nicest dog in the show but it's just not scoring well because of the hair between its toes."" The lad…

A French Execution A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are awaiting execution. The priest is first to go and is put into the guillotine. The blade drops and two feet away from his neck it stops, stuck. The priest proclaims it a miracle from on high and is immediately released. Next up is the lawyer, placed face-down on the guillotine ready to die. Again the machine fails two feet from his neck. ""According to your laws, since you failed to execute me, I must be let go"", and he is. Finally the en…