Lawyer Jokes

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. ""Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"" the lawyer said. ""Give me the bad news first."" ""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."" ""That's the bad news?"" asked the man incredulously. ""I can't wait to hear the terrible news."" ""The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.""

A man takes a giant to court for damages Judge says, ""I'm afraid there is little evidence to support a charge of theft against Mr. Giant.""   Man shakes his head and sighs, ""I keep trying to tell you, he didn't steal anything! My house was broken in two!""   credit to my bf

Thought my friend was an alcoholic because he wouldn't shut up about the bar turns out he was studying to be a lawyer

You hear Steve Sarkisian actually wanted to be a lawyer? He couldn't pass the bar

Ling and Ving move to America Once upon a time, a little Asian family moved into America. It was a father and his two children, his daughter Ling and son Ving. They were quite unadjusted to the American lifestyle, but eventually they settled in. One day, Ving told Ling that he didn't like his name anymore because it was weird and he got bullied for it. He wanted to change it to 'Lee' like Bruce Lee. But his sister told him that he can't do it for it'd be blasphemous to his father and his entire …

Lawyer: ""What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"" Defendent: ""Gucci Sweats and Sum Jordan's""

CHIVALRY The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. ""Your Honor,"" he said, ""my client sincerely believes his wife is being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry--on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."" ""Counselor,"" replied the judge, ""I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith i…

Lost in the Forest Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, ""I brought ten apples."" The king then explained, ""Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your f…

In an effort to fit in with the rest of the EU the UK is going to switch to driving on the right We're going to trial it with buses and trucks for a year first then if that's a success we'll switch over entirely.

A swimming coach was holding trials for his new team. When a man with no arms walks in and demands a trial. The Coach looked a little skeptical, but not wanting to discriminate, he agreed. The no-armed man dived into the pool and began to kick his legs furiously, motoring down the length of the pool at a tremendous rate, and records the quickest time of the day. The Coach is impressed, and makes no delay in adding the armless man to his team. Coincidentally, the very next man has arms, but is mi…

pregnant A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... ""Well your Honor, it was like this: …

At trial, a Volkswagen engineer is called to the stand to explain why they participated in the 'clean diesel' debacle. He claims he is not guilty. He said he was just following...odors.

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven. Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them. ""Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new homes"" says the angel. The priest and the lawyer oblige and climb aboard. As they travel they see roads of gold and jewels. Houses large and small. Finally they approach the first house. It is large and beautiful…

I went to a mock trial recently and I was really disappointed. I didn't get to mock anyone.

She discovered that a hung jury is nowhere near as exciting as it sounds.

A man was getting his named changed As he was working on the paperwork to do so, his lawyer asked him what his original name was. ""Jose Caca"" the man said. ""My god! That is a terrible name! What are you changing it to?"" asked the lawyer. ""Juan Caca"" said the man.

I saw this one guy really, really beat Bobby Flay It was his ex wife's lawyer.

A man is in court. The Judges says,""on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"" ""Guilty"", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted ""You dirty rat!"" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued ""... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you ple…

Which answer to this question is funnier: Why wouldn't you buy a VW? My brother and I both have humorous responses as follows: 1. Because selling it again would be emission impossible 2. Because if you wait you could buy the company We'd like a reddit verdict on which is better before we get into fisty cuffs over it. Prevent a domestic and help us out!

Lawyer Joke You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

How do you call a judge that only gives innocent veredicts because he gave up on law school and knows nothing? a quitter.

A Lawyer After surgery A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're beautiful!"" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're cute!"" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of ""beautiful,"" it was ""cute."" She asked, ""What happened to 'beautiful'?"" His reply was ""…

Paddy's last will and testament Paddy is seeing his lawyer to set up his last will and testament. Most of the points are covered as there is not much to cover so the lawyer asks ever so friendly: *""My dear Paddy, how would you like for the practicalities around your funeral to be arranged?""* Paddy thinks for a bit and says: *""Well, I would like very much to be scattered around me ex-wives' house as it used to be my house and this is where I have the fondest memories.""* *""Ah, I see. So you w…

Q: What did the judge say about the man shot twelve times by the police? A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever heard of.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court? Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.