Lawyer Jokes

TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to Facebook.

A Mathematician's son tries out for his high school's varsity basketball team.... The son comes home from the first day of tryouts. The father notices that the son is stressed and discouraged. The son marches straight to his room with his head down, without saying a word to any of his family members. The father decides to leave the son alone for a while. A few hours later, the son is still in his bedroom. The father decides to go figure out what's wrong. He walks into the son's bedroom to find h…

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, meets his accountant. The Godfather says to the accountant, ""Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather pulls out a gun and says, ""If you don't tell me where it is, I'll shoot you in the head and splatter your brains against the wall!"" The attorney interrupts, ""Sir, the man is a deaf-mute, but i can interpret for you"" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the money i…

A man with a severe infection in his leg is rushed to the hospital The Doctor takes one look at the leg and says to the surgeon to amputate the leg. After a successful amputation, the Doctor comes in to take a look at the patient. The Doctor explodes in anger. ""You've cut off the wrong leg!!"" He fires the surgeon and performs the next amputation himself. Well, after losing both of his legs, the man is considerably upset. He decides to sue the hospital. After a lengthy lawsuit, the judge decide…

Guess who? A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ""Love"" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing. ""I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"" ""But why?"" asks the man. ""I'm a divorce lawyer.""

A Thief on Trial A thief is on trial for stealing a diamond ring. The judge announces, "" Here we have five people who claim to have seen you stealing the ring"" In response to this the thief suddenly gets up and claims "" Your honour I can bring forth nearly five thousand people who will say that I have not stolen the ring.""

What does a lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both a lawyer.

A couple wants to get married... On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waite…

I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a ""ladies man."" But the jury preferred the term ""rapist.""

Paddy goes to court for armed robbery! The jury foreman comes out and announced ""Not Guilty"" ""That's Grand"", shouted Paddy! ""Does that mean I can keep the money?""

Can someone explain this joke to me? I don't get it In Garfield and friends, the judge says ""Order in the court"" and then Binky says: I'll have a ham on rye, Hold the mayo!"" Apparently it's a really old joke.

One I head While listening to Brudda Iz. Three ducks are brought before a Judge to face Trial. The first ducks steps up in front of the judge. The judge asks "" What is your name and why are you here? "" The duck replies. "" My name is Quack and I was caught blowing Bubbles in the Pond "" The judge replies "" Okay I sentence you 6 months probation move on "" And calls for the next. The second duck steps up and the judge Asks "" What is your name and what are you here? "" The duck replies "" My n…

Confucius says: Woman who sleeps with judge..... receives honorable discharge

An Honest Lawyer An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. ""As I'm sure you can understand,"" she started off with one of the first applicants, ""in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."" She leaned forward. ""Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"" ""Honest?"" replied the job prospect. ""Let me te…

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline

A man shot his wife Judge: Sir, why did you shoot your wife? Man: Well your honor, it was easier than shooting a different man every night.

The devil and a lawyer are having a conversation The devil says, ""I will give you the ability to win every case you get, in exchange for your soul."" The lawyer replies, ""Okay, what's the catch?""

Did you hear about the lawyer who ate gold? He passed the bar

What does a goose do What can a goose do, that a duck can't, and that your lawyer should ? Stick his bill up his ass.

Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman's bag. It was a briefcase.

What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas? His verdict.

They Say Never Judge A Man Until You Walk A Mile In His Shoes Because you'll then be a mile away and will also have his shoes

I was recently asked if I'd judge Mr. gay UK. I said ''It wouId be my pIeasure. It's against nature, against God, and he's going to heII.'' - Jimmy Carr

What do you call a bunch of white guys and a one black man Court

Saying Thanks in Spanish The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb, sat next to him. There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly…