Rep Jokes

MAN TO LIZARD: "SO I HEAR YOU'RE IN FLOORING SALES" LIZARD: "IM MORE IN PROMOTION" MAN: "WHAT DO YOU DO" LIZARD: "I REP TILE"

Me: So if I call Canada it's billed as international? Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country. Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

A fat man decides to get in shape A man wants to lose weight, so he calls the number for ""GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS!"" that he finds on Google. A representative answers and explains: ""Yes sir, our program is guaranteed to work -- and we have both a basic program and an advanced program."" ""Let me try the basic program, for starters."" the man says. He gives his address, and is told that a trainer will be there within an hour. An hour later his doorbell rings. Standing there is a beautiful woman,…

I went to the store to pick up a new capacitor for my broken microwave. The sales rep. accidentally sold me a flux capacitor instead; and now my microwave turns my chicken sandwiches into egg sandwiches.

Why do Russian cars have such a bad rep? Because they're always Stalin.

There once was a cheerio... There once was a cheerio who lived on plain cheerio island. He lived his life working 16 hours, 7 days a week, trying just to make ends meet. But all of this was pointless; he was not going anywhere in life. He would never end up with the prosperous cheerios on Frosted Cheerio island - or so he thought. One day, whilst working in the factory, the cheerio - lets call him Bob - noticed a flaw in the production line that decreased production speeds by 10000%. He reported…

Customer standing in a super market cash line There was a man standing in line waiting to pay for around 5 minutes, the customer service rep stated sir your next. The customer in line stated, I dont have any money , i was just standing in line to watch people pay.

Worst Job in the World As part of a new Reality TV program, the network sends a crew to find the person with the worst job in the world. They start with a guy who has to remove road kill from the highways. ""This is nothing,"" he says, ""My last job was marking landmines. Then a few days ago some guy came up to me begging for that job!"" So they track down the landmine marker out in the desert. They ask him what it's like to have the worst job. He says ""This job isn't the worst - at my last job…

Lawyer joke The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is many millions of dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is…

How Datsun (now Nissan) got its original name The burgeoning Japanese car company wanted a really good name so they asked the Germans who are known for naming their car companies really well. The president asked a rep from a German marketing company for help. The asked when they needed the final product and the president said, ""One week."" To which the German replied, ""Dat Soon.""

Farting Honda A sales rep for an American auto parts supplier was in Tokyo for an important meeting with the chairman of Toyota to close a huge deal. After he got to his hotel, he farted and strangely it sounded like his ass said ""Honda"". Puzzled, he forced out another fart and sure enough it came out ""hooonda"". Needless to say he was freaked out by this. Every time he farted, it came out ""hooonda"". He flipped through the phone book and found an American doctor and rushed over. The doctor …

Topical Jokes for 1/12 The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he's not allowed on a plane unless he's accompanied by an adult. United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai. In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with…

A North Pole story of Christmas traditions It was not shaping up to be a Merry Christmas at the North Pole. Mr. Claus was buttoning his suspenders when an angel popped in out of nowhere, yelling ""HEY SANTA!"". That caused his fingers to lose grip, and the whole thing snapped him in the eye. When he got out to the elves, they were all grumbling because of the stickers they had to put on. A Chinese expedition had come in and claimed sovereignty of his little magic island on the pole, and he'd all…

Topical Jokes for 10/11 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Nielsen has announced that a technical error led to months of incorrect ratings. Employees at Nielsen suspected there was a glitch when an infomercial for adult diapers nabbed 84 billion viewers. There was an Ebola scare on a USAirways flight after a man sneezed and joked that he'd just come from Africa. But don't worry, doctors examined the man, and he tested negative for a sense of humor. TSA agents …

I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups. ""How many reps would you usually do?"" he asked. ""A million,"" I rep lied.

Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks ""Is there anything else I can do for you?"" whisper ""Smile for the camera, I'm watching you"" & hang up.

I drink to forget that I accidentally once said ""I love you"" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are all part of our team now,"" said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. ""You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."" The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, ""You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared.…

Q: What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have? A: Rep-tiles.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ""Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ""First, did your research also sho…

Strange Page One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by ""Lucille."" He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. ""She don't never leave no …

What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have? Rep-tiles.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. ""Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied ""First did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has …

A man is thinking about joining a gym. He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities". The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?" The rep moves a…

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope. He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested. “100 million dollars”, says the KFC rep. Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred. “One billion dollars. This is our final offer.” After some consideration of…