Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen