Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."

In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

It's cool that my girlfriend is willing to bear my child, but it would be way cooler if she gave birth to a bear.