Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.

Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.