Tims Jokes

T-REX: So you going to Tim's surprise party? TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what? RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

"Tim's coming tonight" "Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?" [in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven... At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, ""As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God."" The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat taken aback. The tiny home is more a shack with a faded Patriots flag flying over it. Still, Tom Brady tells God how thankful …

New tattoo Tim's girlfriend loved tattoos, and every so often she would get a new one. One night she came home to show him a brand new tattoo on the inside of her right thigh, it was of a clam shell. The next day Tim was talking to his friend, and he told him about his girlfriend's new tattoo. ""If you put your ear up to it can you hear the ocean?"" His friend chuckled. Tim smiled, and replied ""No, but I can smell it.""

Tim the Conductor Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the trains nearly every day by screwing up his timing, causing other trains to have to wait on him. Tim's conducting got worse and worse as time went on. One day, Tim decided to try and …

Tim The Train Expert Long read but worth! There was this man named Tim and Tim comes from a long line of train conductors. His father was a train conductor and so was his father before him. But as Tim grew up he realized that was not his passion but the pressure from his family to follow in his fathers footsteps was too great, so after Tim graduated high school he enrolled in training in hopes to be hired at a train station. After a few years of going through this training school and failing man…

Tim's father has three sons: Snap, crackle, and...? Tim

I found out my girlfriend was good at deep throating so I broke up with her... I don't like wasting talent Edit: Apparently this is by /u/TimIsWin Edit 2: [Tim's post](https://www.reddit.com/r/standupshots/comments/47j8dg/god_bless_us_every_one/)

Nate the Snake joke Warning, unhealthily long Tim was an adventurous man, and he had quite a bit of money. One afternoon during work, Tim decided that he wanted to go driving on the dunes in egypt. So that weekend, he booked tickets to Cairo and took a few extra days off work. When he arrived in Cairo he took a bus to a smaller village with less people and laxer laws and rented a car to drive on the dunes. He went out the first time at night around 11:30 because his flight came in late. Tim h…

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tim on the shoulder. "Pssst Tim. What's the answer to the last question?" T…