Lawyer Jokes

New Lawyer After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. ""Show him right in!"" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "" ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"" Slamming the phone down he …

Atilla the Hun, Adolf Hitler and a lawyer are stranded with you on a island ... - and you have a gun with only 2 bullets, who do you shoot? -- The lawyer twice.

A big-city lawyer was represen... A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pull…

A lawyer was getting out of his BMW one day... ...when an 18 wheeler came by and ripped the door right off his car. He quickly called the police, and when a patrol car arrived he began a rant, screaming ""Cahps, cahps, look what they did to mah beemah!"" The cop replies ""You lawyers are so materialistic! Haven't you noticed you left arm got ripped off by the truck!"" The lawyer proceeds to look down and check, and sure enough his left arm has been ripped off by the joint. In complete, utter dis…

A lawyer by the name of Strange died. His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write ""Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer"" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested ""Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."" ""Whenever anyone walks by,"" he explained ""they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'""

The once was a doctor who owned a inn.... There once was a doctor who lived in a small town and owned a inn called the Spanish Inn. Everyone in town knew and trusted the doctor and he was admired. One day his inn burned down and the authorities believed it was his wiring and he was tried for arson. During the trial his wife breaks down and says the doctor burned the inn himself for the insurance money since the inn was old and crumbling. It was then and there that the town realized no one suspec…

A Blonde and a Lawyer are Seated Next To Each Other A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."" Again, she declines an…

Two men walking in a cemetery find a gravestone Two men walking in a cemetery find a recent gravestone , so they read it: -""Here lies an honest man and a competent lawyer"" So one of the guys turn to the other: -""When did they start burying two people together?""

The devil approaches a young lawyer... He asks, ""Are you sick of making less money than your cousin, the doctor, being taken advantage of and frustrated by the long hours?"" The young lawyer says, ""Yes!"" The devil said, ""Here's my offer: $1 million a year income, a penthouse in Manhattan, a private jet, an oceanside mansion and gorgeous companions of your choice. All I ask for in return is your eternal soul."" The young lawyer eyes the devil. He concentrates really hard. Then, after a big si…

A flamingo, a duck, and a lawyer... Q: What can a flamingo do that a duck can't that a lawyer should? A: Stick its bill up its ass.

Marrying in heaven... On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates awaiting St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they straightforwardly ask him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and *wai…

A man calls up his lawyer and asks, ""How much would it cost me to ask you three questions?"" The lawyer responds, ""$250."" ""$250?!?"" says the man. ""Don't you think that's a lot for just three questions?"" ""Not really,"" said the lawyer. ""What's your third question?""

An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed... And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.   ""Now look,"" he says, ""I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm giving each of you one billion dollars of my money to keep in trust until my funeral, at which time you will place the money in my casket before they close it.…

A Good Lawyer Knows the Law A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

Did you hear about the honeydew and pineapple who tried getting married? The court said they *cant-eloupe*

Anti jokes What smells like blue paint? Red paint What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead Feel free to share some anti jokes in the comments i'd love to hear some more

Lawyer Joke.... A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ""My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."" ""Well put,"" the judge replied. ""Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's as…

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, ""It's a lot of money!"" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office(the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, ""$165,000!"" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of cou…

A LAWYER AND A POLITICIAN What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.

What's the Turkish version of court packing? Turkey stuffing

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70? Your honor.

A train conductor is put on trial for mass murder A train conductor fails to break the train and by not doing so kills hundreds of people. He is found guilty of negligence and sent to the electric chair to be executed. However, the day of the execution, after turning on/off the switch multiple times the man does not die. By law, they are required to let him go, but before they ask him if he has anything to say. ""Im sorry, Im just a bad conductor""

""I OBJECT!!!"" The defendant screams in court. The judge gives him a very emotional hug and says ""no... you human"".

Got a summons for jury duty. At least now I know it will be a hung jury.

There are some things that are certain in life. The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. ""Can I help you?"" she asked. ""I want to see Natalie,"" the man replied. ""Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"" said the madam. ""No, I must see Natalie"" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesit…