Lawyer Jokes

God is walking on the border between heaven and hell... God is walking on the border between heaven and hell. He notices the fence on Satan's side is broken down and in disrepair. He calls Satan over, and says, ""Satan, fix this fence or I will sue you."" Satan looks nonplussed and says: ""WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET AN ATTORNEY?!?""

Two lawyers are having lunch. An attractive woman walks in, and one lawyer whispers to the other ""See that hot babe over there? I screwed her!"" The second lawyer looks her over very carefully, then turns back to the first lawyer and says ""Out of what?""

A Woman Suing Her Husband There was a lady suing her husband for abuse. Eventually she went crazy and tried to kill him via electrocution with some jumper cables, but it didn't work. While the woman was on trial for his murder, she pleaded self-defence and explained how her had been beaten her. They had the husband on the witness stand, and he started complaining... ""You can't charge me with battery!""

My doctor said I have about a month left. So I stabbed him. The judge gave me ten to fifteen years. Crisis averted.

Why'd the chicken cross the court? Because he heard the ref was blowin' fowels..

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them. He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend. He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed. When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

The judge gave me 7 days to live... So I shot myself. The doctor gave me 4 months. Problem solved. B)

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ... ... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, ""My good man, you've been brought here for drinking."" He says, ""Alright, judge, let's get started.""

What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer. A bad lawyer can make a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant.. I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.

The doctor gave me 1 month to live So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

A 13 year old boy making headlines last week... A 13 year old boy is making headlines by challenging a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents, so the judge initially handed custody over to the boy's aunt, keeping with all the laws and regulations that state that family unity should be maintained to the best degree possible. However, the boy shocked the judge when he revealed that his aunt beat him more than his parents did, and refu…

Married in Heaven! On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. They asked St. Peter can we still get married in heaven? St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out! Two months passed and St Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could y…

A guy walks into a bar and asks ""Do you serve lawyers?"" The bartender responds ""Yes, of course!"" The man then says ""Well then. I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator.""

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant... An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, ""We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"" ""I'll take the lawyer's…

BREAKING: sources within transition team confirm President-Elect Trump will nominate Sen. Ted Cruz to Supreme Court ALSO BREAKING: sources close to the Supreme Court say there will be 8 additional vacancies starting tomorrow.

A lawyer finds a magical lamp A lawyer is stranded in the middle of the desert. He finds a lamp and rubs it. Magically, a genie comes out of the lamp and says >""You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, all the other lawyers on Earth will get double."" The man says > ""I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."" The genie snapped his fingers and said >""Your new beach house is waiting for you. But all the other lawyers on E…

I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke. Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim. They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them more docile and hungrier. Hearing of his rivals success, Jim immediately went to the police and disclosed to them Bob's revolutionary but illegal new method.…

Senate: Red House: Red Supreme Court: Red President: Orange

I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix... I mean, I've seen Stranger Things.

Jenko: ""Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent..."" Schmidt: [Whispering] ""You have the right to an attorney."" Jenko: ""You have the right to remain... an attorney."" Deputy Chief Hardy: ""Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?"" Schmidt: ""You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.""

A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: ""I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!"" ""Your Honor,"" the defendant says, ""that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.""

Getting married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Christian couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.They wonder if they could get married in heaven. When St. Peter showed up, they asked him if they can marry. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed…

A lawyer goes to the bar and finds that there's something funny about his bottle. He looks inside and cannot believe his eyes. Suddenly a genie pops out. ""aah"" says the genie ""that was a really good nap"" So the lawyer asks him if he's the magical sort of genie who gives out wishes. The genie explains that indeed he is but with a catch: whatever the lawyer asks for, every other lawyer in the world gets double of. The lawyer, being the selfish fellow he is, almost leaves without making any wis…