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Lawyer Jokes

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The Kind Lawyer One day a very rich lawyer was going in his Limousine car when he saw two men along the road who were eating grass. he was shocked to see the sight and ordered his driver to stop and he got out to see that what is going on. He asked one of the men that why they were eating grass ""We are very poor and can't afford food,"" the poor man replied. ""We have to eat grass."" ""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you"",the lawyer said. ""But sir, I have a wife and

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A one-way trip to Mars NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. ""A million dollars,"" he answered, ""because I want to donate it to M.I.T."" The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. ""I want to give a million to my family,"" he explained, ""and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research

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Lawyer with a Heart One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?' 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.' 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said. 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.' 'Bri

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Blonde Smarts *Note; this joke as I originally heard it involves blondes by convention; if you're offended by this stereotyping, replace it with your own generic cultural symbol of dullness. --- Blondes around the world began getting tired of being constantly mocked. The taunts were beginning to get to them, and the poor blondes were not going to tolerate being the butt of every joke any more. ""We are not as dumb as you think,"" they proclaimed, ""and we will go to whatever lengths necessary to

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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ""Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bu

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Lawyer joke * Lawyer: ""Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"" * Witness: ""No."" * Lawyer: ""Did you check for blood pressure?"" * Witness: ""No."" * Lawyer: ""Did you check for breathing?"" * Witness: ""No."" * Lawyer: ""So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"" * Witness: ""No."" * Lawyer: ""How can you be so sure, Doctor?"" * Witness: ""Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."" * Lawyer: ""But could the patient

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...How did you do it? There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, killing every single one of them. Unsurprisingly, he was put on trial for a number of counts of manslaughter in the first degree. After several hours of deliberation, he was convicte

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So this guy has a sore elbow. So this guy has a sore elbow and goes down to the clinic to get it checked out. The doctor says ""No problem, we just got a new machine and if you give it a blood sample it tells you exactly what's wrong with you and how to treat it."" The guy is skeptical but gives it a shot. The machine tells him ""you have tennis elbow, ice and rest your elbow for 2 weeks."" The guy is impressed but still not convinced. He decides he wants to trick this new machine. He goes home

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An Attorney had just purchased and parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office... An Attorney had just purchased and parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the lawyer's driver-side door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions

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9 months later 9 Months Later Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in

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30 grand A man had $30,000 and was about to die, so he hired a doctor, preacher, and lawyer. The man told the three when I die each of you throw $10,000 of my money in my grave with me. So the man died and they did. Months later the doctor confessed, I only threw $7,000. I used $3,000 for medical research. Then the preacher confessed I only threw in $8,000. I used $2,000 for church repairs. Then the lawyer said I'm ashamed of you two. I wrote a check for the full $10,000 and threw it in.

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A visual joke... So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get the product for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken [flap your arms li

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A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, ""Why are you eating grass?"" ""We don't have any money for food,"" the poor man replied. ""We have to eat grass."" ""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"" the lawyer said. ""But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."" ""Bring them along,"" the la

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So there was this guy in the tower of London. He was a prisoner waiting to be executed. At his trial the judge said ""Your crimes are so heinous you'll be executed next week! But, I won't tell you which day because It'll be more terrifying if you are surprised."" As the prisoner was waiting in his cell, he figured: *They can't execute me on Sunday, because when Saturday night rolls around I'll know that there's only one day left for me to be executed, so I won't be surprised.* *By that logic, th

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