Lawyer Jokes

me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot

BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot-- LAWYER: *plays dead* BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go

MAN: See my tattoo? It says "Only God can judge me." GOD: That shirt with those pants?

[hs reunion] JANE: i'm an engineer TOM: i'm a real estate developer AMY: i'm a lawyer *everyone looks at me* ME: *panics* i'm a hospital

I got a Jury Summons today, I'm sending them my Twitter profile to get out of it. Fingers crossed.

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth "starting now?" yes "the judge looks like squints from the sandlot"

Jury remains deadlocked in the case of Good Times v. Bad Times

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That's how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She's a mile away and you've got her shoes.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh...... ok

"You do realize it's a crime to lie in court, right?" *I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand JUDGE: damn lol

Does the defense have any last words? "Yes I do your honor... THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA" [Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life. LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder. JUDGE: Oh, then you're free to go.

Juror:We find the defendant- *pizza guy bursts in* "Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty" Defendant: Im Not Guilty Judge:NOT GUILTY *bangs gavel*

I got my first real 6-string Bought it at the 5 & dime Played it til my fingers bled Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn't floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss

Don't judge men by their wealth or appearance, judge them by their characters. All 140 of them.

Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

[murder trial] LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes? COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you're not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

[Food Network: Cake Wars] As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table. Cat Judge pushes it off the table

Step 1:Make pillows with"Love" printed on them Step 2:Become a lawyer Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love Step 4:Become rich

"Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!" -Every attorney apparently