[dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case

I killed a duck that had been bothering me recently. The judge charged me with murder most fowl.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog