Lawyer Jokes

Your honor, I second that motion Judge: Ma'am, I'm simply reading your husband's request to be cremated

"to my son, i leave my bathroom scale" the lawyer sighs "because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five"

If your lawyer has a ponytail you're going to prison.

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court? "yes" I'm sorry *looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*

Twitter should allow you to select the font your tweets appear in; thus giving me yet another thing to judge you by.

Don't judge me for my race, don't judge me for my gender. Judge me because I've read all four of the Twilight books.

Wanna have a little fun? Go to Facebook and post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!

Starting a cover band called "A Book" so no one can judge us.

I'm excited for the Supreme Court to finally let us know if gay people are human beings.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around "the law". Judges don't like it.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Being a judge incorporates my two favorite things: wearing a robe and judging people. I missed my calling.

Don't judge a German tourist until you've walked a mile in his socks/sandals combo.

So the waiter said "The plate is hot" and I said "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

[couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,... Judge: Don't presume I know it, counsel. Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know...

wife: can you stop messing around lawyer: im not wife: just read my husband's will please lawyer: that's what it says.. "oOoOoh im a ghost"

Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim's ringtone.

White people really do look alike, so let's fill up on teriyaki chicken samples by walking laps around the food court.

[Snail Court] Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor? Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart and 4 people asked me to defend them in Drug Possession Cases. Court starts Monday.

People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it's 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled "FINE THEN, I'M GOING TO BED!" So you be the judge.

Judge: Order in the court [from the back] Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with... [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?