Ate a hot dog at the food court today and four gay men gave me a standing ovation.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." - People who don't get how definitions work.