Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."

[judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!

A man and his lawyer walk into a bank... The man dumps out over $300,000 on the table to be deposited in a new account. Stunned, the banker asks, ""how did you get all this money?"". ""well, I like to make bets"" says the man. For example, I'll bet you $10,000 I can lick my own eyeball. Thinking that it is impossible, the banker accepts the bet and as he does, the man pops out his glass eye and gives it a lick. _ The banker is slightly upset but pays the man. Next the man bets the banker $10,000…