House Jokes

*outside my house* - Don't let them know you have Clifford - Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks? - Damn

Ruth! (not sure if repost) A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. ""This dog can speak English,"" he claims to the unimpressed agent. ""Okay, Sport,"" the guys says to the dog, ""what's on the top of a house?"" ""Roof!"" the dog replies. ""Oh, come on..."" the talent agent responds. ""All dogs go roof'."" ""No, wait,"" the guy says. He asks the dog ""what does sandpaper feel like?"" ""Rough!"" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his…

9 months later 9 Months Later Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in …

9 months John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't wo…

Jack partied hard with his friends... Jack partied hard with his friends. It was late and they all passed out. Next morning he went home to a very angry wife. She asked him where did he sleep. He said ""At my friend's house.."" So she called 10 of his closest friends. 7 of them assured he slept in their houses. 2 swore to God he's still sleeping. The last one told her: ""I will let him call you as soon as he comes out of the toilet.""

A lawyer found a leak in his house So he called a plumber right away. The plumber fixed the issue in 30 minutes and gave the lawyer a bill for $750. The lawyer was irate: he was an lawyer, and would never get $750 for a half hour of work. The plumber chuckled and replied: ""Neither did I when I was a lawyer.""

Golfing in Scotland John , who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained,' and I'm afrai…

A man needs help doing chores around the house So he asks around saying he needs someone to do the dishes. His friend tells him about this dog. ""He's amazing! He can do all your dishes no problem."" So the man takes the dog home and asks him to do the dishes. The dog does the dishes in no time at all. The man says ""wow you're amazing! How good are you doing laundry?"" The dog says ""I can't do laundry what do you think I am? I'm only a dog"" so the man takes the dog back to his friend and tell…

George R.R. martins House words should be ""Book is coming"" because he keeps saying it but it never seems to actually happen.

Extreme Home Makeover just finished building Stephen Hawking a House So he croaks: Move that bus!! He is greeted by the sight of long sets of spiraling stairways leading up a hill to his mansion. STARS, you IDIOTS, I said I was really into STARS!!

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbor's house ""Howdy neighbor!"" he says. ""In honor of you moving into the holler, I'm gonna throw a party. There's gonna be a whole lot'a drinkin, a whole lot'a dancing, and a whole lot'a screwing."" ""Sounds like fun"", the neighbor says, ""what can I bring"". Hillbilly says ""You can bring anything you want, just gonna be you and me.""

Casey Anthony Kim Kardashian's Marriage was Shorter than the line of Trick-or-Treat ers outside Casey Anthony's House

When you're at someone's house: Normal people: ""What a lovely house!"" Me: ""What's your WiFi password?""

Chuck Norris house trained his dog by 1 roundhouse kick to the face.

Poor Boudreaux . . . Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son? Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole." Priest: "Well, that's not so bad." Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left." Priest: "What did you do with it? Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phi…

An X-ray walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "The usual?" The x-ray replies, "No, I'm spent. I'm here so frequently but today is the worst day to be short." The bartender smiles, "Ok, here's a juice, don't worry it's on the house. So care to shed some light on what's troubling you?" The x-ray sighs, "I just found out I'm on the spectrum. No wonder I always feel like no one sees the real me" The bartender chuckles, "Well buddy, I think it's 'cause you're always so negative!"

Did you hear about the guy who broke into Tiger Woods' house? Took a lot of balls.

College: Rest house for the restless!