Costco Jokes

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again. Sweet.

I always pretend I've never had the samples at Costco. "What's this? Bagel Bites? Combining bagel & pizza into one?? Now this I GOTTA TRY!"

I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that's when I was asked to leave Costco. THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage

It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I'll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

'They'll be searching for days!' I giggle as I leave 'sorry bout the damage notes' on random cars at the Costco

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco* Sir, you wanna box for those? "Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?"

Just bought animal crackers and a kayak. I hate you Costco.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership

Bought a few packs of Sonicare toothbrush heads @ Costco today & the kids can't go to college anymore but at least they'll have clean teeth.

Honey I'm home from Costco. "You didn't buy anything stupid this time?" [looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack] Define stupid?

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco. Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he's away on fishing weekends.

sorry ladies, just changed my Facebook relationship status from "Single" to "Costco Member"

I'm so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

don't get me wrong I love my life & family, but I'd trade it all IN A HEARTBEAT for the sweet parking spot I just saw this guy get at Costco

I'm lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Your Costco ID photo shows you what you'd look like if you were a meth addict.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile* Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco. *Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

I almost bought a 5 pound bag of mini-eggs at costco. Then I saw the 10 pound bag.