When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.

I always pretend I've never had the samples at Costco. "What's this? Bagel Bites? Combining bagel & pizza into one?? Now this I GOTTA TRY!"