Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.

Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool? Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.