When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.

Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool? Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.