Lawyer Jokes

I hope I'm never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit.

[trial] Judge: how do you plead? "not guilty" J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him. "he asked me to make him a pancake"

Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

[dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case

A day after the Blagojevich verdict and a radical stylist announces plans to build a hair salon two blocks from the courthouse. Disgraceful.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore.

In Australia, lawsuits are just what lawyers wear to court.

[spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is "incorrect" KID: I haven't spelled it yet JUDGE: No, that's your word KID: T-H-A-T-'-S JUDGE: No- KID: N-

Whenever I hear the phrase "Power of Attorney" I always imagine someone being bitten by a radioactive lawyer.

Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.

[Interview room] Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!

"Are you sure this lawyer is good?" Yeah, why? "He pronounced sue like sway"

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn't won an arguement for 15 years.

I don't often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Your honor, the victim was stabbed 18 times. (Capri Sun Court)

"Objection your honor, the defense is badg-" BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can't talk. *Judge gives a respectful nod* "Case dismissed."

Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me," yet here I am.

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him! ME AS NIETZSCHE'S LAWYER: your honour we're gonna need a recess

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don't judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words 'bribe me']

Me: *singing "Don't stop believing"* Joe: What are you doing? Me: Practicing for Journey duty J: You mean Jury duty? M: No, it says...shit

The Iron Chef judge who said flavors "explode" in her mouth is so inconsiderate. Now I can't hear the show over my own adolescent giggling.