Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

And the Oscar goes to.................................... Court for killing his girlfriend.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.