Lawyer Jokes

I'm going to run errands, need anything? "Yes, some new light bulbs" Why, our current bulbs are too heavy? "And a good divorce lawyer"

DA: Where r my legal briefs? Paralegal *hands him his boxers* Judge: lol Jury: We're hung Judge: ha! DA: Balls in your court Judge: DO MORE!

People are like books. You can't judge them by the outside and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim. Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly! Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi...cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

BREAKING NEWS Justin Bieber said... And I quote, "Only God can Judge me!" THIS JUST IN ...Apparently I'm God.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I'm allowed to do this, the judge is crying

If your middle initial is V, I bet you constantly get mistaken for a court case.

I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.

If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there's a 95% chance you'll get out of jury duty. Would be 100%. But, Texas.

Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don't judge ME because YOU didn't get laid last night.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court! Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm Lawyer: how high could u raise it before Me:*raises arm over head* like this high

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene] *they all gasp* That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

lawyer talking under his breath: "guiltypeoplesaywhat?" suspect: what? lawyer: no further questions your honor

I always get "never shake a baby" and "cats always land on their feet" mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose? Accused: No. *cries into palms Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.

Some girls on Facebook are cute until their 30-day photoshop trial expires.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I'd take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much- JUDGE: you're on trial for murder ME: for murdering too much

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.