You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you'll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to "sit".

I always get "never shake a baby" and "cats always land on their feet" mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you're pleading not guilty to stealing the child's shoes? ME: [heelies up to the mic] That's correct

[spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes