I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an "attorney" one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids ME: no wait they do the same thing

[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.

Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."