I'm going to run errands, need anything? "Yes, some new light bulbs" Why, our current bulbs are too heavy? "And a good divorce lawyer"

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids ME: no wait they do the same thing

[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.

Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."