In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Cop: You were speeding. Me: Objection your honor. Cop: I'm not a judge. Me: Permission to approach the bench. Cop: What? Me: Sustained.

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.

[traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute 4/5 of my tickets