Sports Jokes

A Very Nice Golfer There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer. The man next to him says, ""Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!"" The man stands up says ""Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years...""

Roger the Living Head [Story Joke] So there's this newly married couple, and they love each other quite a bit. So they decide they're going to have a child. Nine months goes by and it's time for the child to be delivered, but when the doctors pull the baby out, it is only a head. It's still crying and healthy, but it has no body besides its head. The doctors are amazed, but the parents are heartbroken. They decide that they are going to name the baby Roger after his father's father, and that the…

A man is dating 3 woman (x-post funny) A MAN IS DATING THREE WOMEN A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she l…

Washing cars One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. ""Wow,"" he thought to himself, ""that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!"". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minutes before carrying on his journey home. Over dinner, he mentions this bicycle to his parents and how he desires to one day buy it for himself. His parents being the type to teach thei…

A priest, a doctor, and a mathematician... are playing golf, and they notice that the group ahead of them is playing slower than any group they've seen before. So when the owner of the course walks by, they ask why the group ahead of them were going so slowly. The owner says, ""Oh, this is a group of volunteer firemen who lost their sight while saving our course from a raging fire last year; we let them play for free."" The priest says, ""I'll have my congregation pray for them."" The doctor say…

A guy and his dog go into a bar... ...and the guy sits down at the bar. He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, ""I'm afraid I don't have any money."" The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when the guy says, ""But I have something even better. I have a magical dog. He can talk."" This is a new one on the barman, and although he's skeptical, he decides to give th…

Did you hear about the butcher's assistant who ditched work to try out for the football team? He didn't make the cut.

Limericks Pretend that America's pastime is limericks instead of baseball. So two men, Earl P. Erickson, a Harvard graduate and valedictorian, and Billy Steaz, who dropped out of highschool as a senior. These bright men were in a competition for limericks. They had been in a even field for two days, neither being beaten, nor gaining the upper hand. Today would be their last day. So the MC had a box full of papers with words for the men to make limericks out of. The MC reaches into the box and di…

Fart football! So a husband lays down next to his wife for sleep. She turns over and *FLEERP*[fart noise] the husband jumps from being startled and exclaims ""what the hell was that?!"" the wife shoots back, "" touchdown and an extra point! 7 points!"" The husband not to be out done, leans over and *FWAAERP* ""touch down!! 7 points!!"" The wife, laughing, turns over and *PWERRRP* ""Touch down! 14 points!"" The husband, not giving up, leans over and pulls a squeaker! *PWEEP* ""Touchdown! Tied bal…

The Spanish Soccer team are have picked up two Euros in the last 4 years... ... that's two more than their banks.

Don't ask... So one fine day, a young boy is listening to the radio. He has very bad reception so the radio is sort of static, nevertheless, he catches something about a purple donut. His curiosity sparked, he meanders over to his mother and said, ""Momma, what's a purple donut?"" She then gets this wild look in her eye an grabs a bat and begins to vigorously beat the boy. She yells, ""Get your ass to school, when you get home your going to the cellar!"" So he walks to school. He has a bloody no…

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, ""Use your 4 iron"". Jesus says, ""No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron"". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, ""Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"" Moses says, ""He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods.""

Super-Diagnostic Machine Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. ""I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out."" Leroy says, ""Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a piss sample in this here machine and it'll tell ya what's wrong with ya. Givver a shot befer you go see ya doc."" Roscoe was a bit skeptical, but decided it was worth it to save…

A couple of women are playing golf on one sunny Saturday morning... The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball veered off into a foursome of men. Indeed the ball hit one of the men who then immediately clasped his hand near his crotch and went into a fetal position. The women rushed to his side and started to apologize. She said ""Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist, I can relieve your pain."" he denies the help and continues to roll around in his fetal pos…

Bob and Jim. Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, ""After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?"" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, ""Jim, I …

Troll Joke So there is a kid named James who's mom died when he was very young. However, his dad was extremely wealthy. So for his sixth birthday, his dad ask James what he wants. James replies, ""I just really want a pink ping pong ball."" This annoys James' dad, as he hardly sees it as a fitting birthday gift for his son. So his dad says ""NO, JAMES! That is hardly a good gift for my son."" So he goes out and buys James the coolestq new action figures. James loves them, and his action figures …

Tiger Woods Playing Golf

Blonds and Blind Cowboys An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is …

If the Nazi's were a football team, what would be their favorite play? Blitz!

Jogger finds a tennis ball So Joe is out jogging alongside a tennis court. Unspurprisingly, he spots a tennis ball which has gone over the net. It's getting late and nobody's left playing, he figures they just left the ball there. So Joe picks up the ball and puts it in his shorts pocket, to play with his dog later. He runs off, and stops by his regular watering hole to rehydrate. One of his friends spots the bulge in his shorts and asks: ""What have you got there Joe?"" ""That? That's a tennis …

Bran Muffins An old couple, he 85 years old and she 83, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and Jacuzzi. As they gasped at the splendor of their estate, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ""It's…

The Golf Club Mobile Phone Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. A man picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. ""Hello,"" He says, ""Honey, it's me,"" says a woman, ""are you at the club?"" ""Yes,"" replies the man, ""Well I'm at the shopping centre,"" she says, ""and I've found a beautiful leather coat. It's 450. Can I buy it?"" ""OK,"" he replies, ""go ahead and buy it if you like it that much."" ""Than…

Gay bar A biker walks into a gay bar and is giving everyone a hard time. Seeing his customers get irritated the bartender walks up to the biker and asks him if he knows how to play football. The biker responds with of course I know football. The bartender says not the sport! Bar football. The bartender then pours a pint and chugs it. Slams it on the table and says that's a touchdown, then turns around and pulls down his pants and farts, that's the extra point! The biker takes the challenge and c…

Cricket is incredibly easy to understand. You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next ma…

I used to wonder... ...why golf tournaments aren't called Stroke-Offs Then I turned 12.