Sports Jokes

So three businessmen, an Englishman, an American and a Jap, are playing golf... ...and they're trying to impress each other with new technologies their companies have developed. The Englishman says 'These sunglasses I'm wearing have a Heads-Up Display so I can check the latest share prices instantly'. The others look impressed, but the American says 'Well, I have a chip implanted in my brain that feeds the details of my next meeting to me instantly'. The others clap in appreciation, then the Jap…

Need Help!!! http://salisbury.patch.com/articles/parents-complain-salisbury-coach-humiliated-football-players These poor football players have to go through this abuse. Please take part and comment or at least put something about getting rid of the coaches! please help these boys!

Finding a striker Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson sends scouts out around the world looking for a new talent to hopefully win the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Afghani striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Ferguson flies to Afghanistan to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Old Trafford. Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at home to Liverpool with only 20 minutes left to play. Ferguson gives the young Afghan the n…

Frank and Harry are at their golf club... As Frank gets set to take his swing, a funeral procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says ""That was a thoughtful thing to do"". To which Frank replies ""It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years.""

I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself... ...As the game wore on, I asked him ""Who's seat is that?"" He looked at me sadly and said ""That was my wife's seat but she passed away."" ""I'm sorry to hear that."" I replied. ""You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?"" He shook his head and said ""Nah... they're all at the funeral""

My friends ask me why I play soccer even though I'm not very good at it. just for kicks

The full time football result is in: Real Madrid - 4... Surreal Madrid - fish

Space Bar and the Robot A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, ""Sir, what will you have?"" The man thought a moment then replied? ""A martini please."" The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, ""Sir, what is your IQ?"" The man answered ""Oh, about 164."" The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', in…

So Jesus and St. Peter go out to play golf Jesus and St. Peter go to play golf one day. St. Peter tees off first and hits a beautiful drive straight down the fairway and lands perfectly 3 feet away from the hole. ""Good job,"" says Jesus, ""now let me see what I can do."" Jesus tees off and shanks miserably. The ball bounces off a tree and lands near a squirrel that proceeds to pick it up. As it is running off, a hawk suddenly swoops down and snatches the up the squirrel and starts flying toward…

Installing a Husband. **INSTALLING A HUSBAND** Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. ... In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversatio…

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron Because even God can't hit a one-iron

A woman walks up to the golf pro at the country club... and complains that something needs to be done about the bees on the course. ""Where did you get stung?""asks the golf pro. She says,"" between the 1st and 2nd holes,"". The golf pro thinks about it and says, "" I think your stance is too wide.""

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' …

So there are 2 friends on their death bed... They have been best friends for years and have always been on a baseball team. They loved baseball. So one of the friends told the other, ""If you die before me, see if there is baseball in heaven and figure out some way to tell me if there is."" The other agreed and the next day he died. A few days later, the friend that was still alive heard a voice in his head from his friend saying, ""I have good news and bad news! The good news is they have baseb…

I was watching the women's Golf earlier. They couldn't drive, but boy, can they use an iron.

Don't make fun of your wife. A husband is prone to making fun of his wife's weight by calling her 'mother of three'. Every time he asks for something he says ""Mother of 3? Where is the remote?"" or ""Mother of 3? What's for dinner?"" One day he has his buddies over for football and he gets a bit drunk. He starts endlessly calling out: ""Mother of 3, Let's get some more beer in here."" ""Mother of 3, how about some chips?"" She doesn't answer. The husband keeps yelling over and over again until …

THE LONGEST JOKE I KNOW! *before starting this id just like to let everyone know that one of my music teachers told me this joke 6 years ago and hopefully everyone has a good sense of humor* So theres this man named Juan and Juan has a wife and two kids. Juan makes his family follow three rules and three rules only. No drinking, no drugs and no cursing. Juan's family was been going by these rules for a long time and his family is completely perfect. So one day Juan is out in his garden and his n…

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The boun…

Lebron reminds me of Michael Jordan... ...when Jordan played baseball

So this guy has a sore elbow. So this guy has a sore elbow and goes down to the clinic to get it checked out. The doctor says ""No problem, we just got a new machine and if you give it a blood sample it tells you exactly what's wrong with you and how to treat it."" The guy is skeptical but gives it a shot. The machine tells him ""you have tennis elbow, ice and rest your elbow for 2 weeks."" The guy is impressed but still not convinced. He decides he wants to trick this new machine. He goes home …

Favorite joke of my late grandfather A British man comes to America and decides he needs to do at least one really American thing before he leaves. He decides to go to a baseball game. After a couple of innings he thinks that he's got the gist of it and when the next batter hits he stands up in his seat and says ""Run swiftly my man, run swiftly!"" This continues on for sometime, until the pitcher throws four balls. The batter throws down his bat and the British man stands up and starts, ""Run s…

Bad, bad jokes (they're a little sick - be warned) * ""Mommy, mommy, can we go out and play with Grandma?"" ""If you dig her up one more time. . ."" * Mommy, mommy, can Billy come play baseball with us?"" ""You know he has no arms and legs!"" ""He can be second base!"" * How do you babysit black children? Lick their lips and stick them to the refrigerator! * What does a vampire called a used tampon? Teabag * What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the pool? Bob * What do you call a guy w…

Which one to marry? There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, ""I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."" The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and …

Patience can go a long way... A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, ""Yes Officer?"" ""What are you doing?"" the policeman asked. ""What does it l…

Brian Sullivan, top bloke A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, ""Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"" Passenger: ""Who?"" Cabbie: ""Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."" Passenger: ""There are always a few clouds over everybody."" Cabbie: ""Not Brian Sullivan.. He was a terrific athlete. H…