Sports Jokes

Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it's the tennis kind.

"Hitting it hard as shit" and "tickling the hole" are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today

Nothing says "I'm an American" more than ordering a pizza online and tweeting about it and then hating soccer.

"Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?" ~My son apparently

[halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell "FORE" before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

[team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis.

*shows up to date with broken nose* "What happened?" Hurt myself playing football "How?" Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

I'm just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf Guy: do you mean polo? Me: [realizing he isn't classy enough to know about horse golf] yes

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork American: What Me: the good plate American: the super bowl Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Fun Fact: When your favorite football team wins, you don't win. You're just drunk on a couch screaming at a TV.

If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.

*hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove] robber: why are u wearing a glove me: I meant to grab my bat lol robber: lol

I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Me: Be back after lunch! Boss: OK Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL* *goes home, turns on baseball*

I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.