Sports Jokes

My Glee Club is just a baseball bat that I use to hit happy people over the head with.

I drafted 1984 Madonna and a meatball sub for my fantasy football team. Hey, it's my fantasy.

[son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I'm now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

*standing behind home plate* -Beware of my dog-like reflexes. -Shouldn't it be cat-like reflexes? *catches baseball with my face*

Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?

NEW BASKETBALL IDEA: oblong basketball that gets thrown down a long field-like court. Maybe we tackle the guy who catches it?

[walks up to guys playing basketball] "mind if I join?" you any good? Hell yeah I'm good. Toss me the orange sphere

The Texas Rangers made it to the World Series? I didn't even know Chuck Norris had a baseball team.

FB friend's boy in a baseball uniform pic: "Our little pitcher" Me: "He looks more like a catcher" Nobody got it. So I'm back here..

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

It's not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Kanye West says he's the Michael Jordan of music. If he's talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

Date: "You're very tall! Do you play basketball?" Me: "You're very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?"

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren't my thing. But, Tom Brady's kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton's dreamy, too!

Hi I'm Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can't kick a football. I'd like to talk to you for a second about insurance

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

1964:"Remember kids," a youth basketball coach says, "there's no "i" in team." "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, "... not yet."

Wife: "If I died, would you remarry?" Me: "Yup." Wife: "And you'd even let her use my golf clubs??" Me: "No silly! She's left handed."

Giving birth? Passing a gallstone? Monica Seles tennis match? Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.

I've honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Just saw a guy wearing sunglasses on the back of his head practicing his golf swing empty-handed. Hope my daughter's a lesbian.

1) Lick tip. 2) Stick it in gently. 3) Pump 12-20 times. 4) Sweat profusely. 5) Pull out gently. -Instructions on inflating a basketball.

The depressing thing about tennis is that you'll never be as good as a wall