Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill? A miracle. ------------------------------------- A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, ""Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?"" The mechanic says, ""Sounds like a fair trade."" ------------------------------------- A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the ticket in, he asks the attendee what the prize is. ""First place is a Lada,"" he says. ""And what's second place?"" asks the man. ""Two Ladas,"" the attendee replies. --------------…

A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what's the first letter of the alphabet so she said ""Shut up."" His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said ""YES YES YES!!!"" because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what's the third letter of th…