Sports Jokes

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket. He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. ""What's that game up there, Albert?"" Albert looks baffled, ""why, that's baseball mate!"" He'd never seen a baseball game before. He's enchanted. He loves the geometry of the field, the green g…

What's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis

World Organization Baseball Game What did NATO say to the EU at the World Organization baseball game? Europe!

FOUR! Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be a…

A woman brings another man home while her husband is away at work... A woman brings another man home while her husband is away at work. Her kid is home, sees the man and gets scared and runs into his mothers closet. The woman brings the man up and they start to do their thing. Suddenly, the front door opens up, and the husband is home from work early. The wife tells the man to hide in the closet. Low and behold, the kid is also in the closet. ""It sure is dark in here"" says the kid. ""yeah"" ne…

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar... The Jewish man boasts, ""I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."" The Catholic man says, ""That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!"" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, ""Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!""

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day, a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives on the island. She comes up to the man and says, ""How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"" ""Ten years!"" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ""Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"" Then she asks, ""How long has it been since you …

Wife letter to husband I am writing you this letter to let you know that I'm leaving you. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, I was kind to you and respected you for 7 years of our marriage, most of the time you did not appreciate me. The last two weeks were like hell. A week ago, you came home and didn't even pay attention to me, I trimmed my nails, hair, manicure and styled my hair. You didn't even notice that I made your favorite dish and for you I had a beautiful linger…

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

What did the spanish soccer announcer invest in? **GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD**

The Frog and Golf A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ""Wow that's am…

Dave and John are playing a round of golf... Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes. ""That was very decent of you Dave."" ""Yea, she was a good wife.""

Women are a lot like tennis rallies Occasionally, a back hand is needed to stay in control

Man killed on golf course A foursome of guys waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet. She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, ""I guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help.""…

Old Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ""Seven points!"" His wife rolls over and says, ""What in the world was that?"" The old man replied, ""It's fart football."" A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ""Touchdown, tie score!"" After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ""Aha! I'm ahead 14 to 7."" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ""Touchdown, tie score."" Five seconds go…

Golf Match. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness,"" said one of the Cardinals, ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry,"" said the Cardinal, ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We…

hey, i'm joking; my sister was never a cutter... you know how hard it is to be a cutter with your hands full of football team?

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship And the news presenter says ""she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"". I just happened to glance at my girlfriend, and now it's all kicked off!

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven... At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, ""As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God."" The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat taken aback. The tiny home is more a shack with a faded Patriots flag flying over it. Still, Tom Brady tells God how thankful …

Why are black people good at basketball? Because they train hard....

Wise Golfer A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ""If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"" ""No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"" the homeless man replied. ""Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?"" the man asked. ""Are you NUTS!"" replied the …

It's Christmas morning and... Jimmy, 15, and Jeffy, his 6 year old brother, come downstairs to find the tree loaded with presents. Jeffy runs up to the tree and starts ripping the paper off of gifts. ""Oh boy, I got a football! Oh boy, I got a Playstation! Oh boy, I got a new bike! Oh boy, I got an iPad!"" Meanwhile, Jimmy finds the one box with his name on it and opens it to find socks and underwear. ""Ha ha!"" Jeffy laughs, ""I got all this cool stuff and all you get is socks and underwear! Ha…

My rock band got a gig at the baseball game. I played first bass.

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers The engineer fumed, ""What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"" The doctor chimed in, ""I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"" The priest said, ""Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."" He said, ""Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"" The greens keeper replied, ""O…

The woman and the frog. A Woman was out playing golf one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."" The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"" The woman said, ""That's okay."" For her first wish, she wan…