Las Jokes

-Where was I conceived, dad? Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly? Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas. I didn't cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

"C'mon, your relationship isn't *that* serious." - Las Vegas

Series of Cheesy Jungle Jokes I always like to tell these in a series. I also like to milk jokes (drag them out a little longer than you would expect) so prepare for the cheese. There's a little flexibility in how you tell these jokes, and if you have any other jokes about jungle animals you can mix them in, but some of the order is very important (especially the first and las jokes). Here is my preferred order: Q. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator? A. Open the door, put the elephan…

The Pope visits Las Vegas The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news houn…

Penguin visits the desert. A penguin living on the southernmost tip of South America decides he's been freezing his ass off for far too long. He decides to rent a car and take a road trip up the West coast to warmer destinations. Eventually he winds up in San Diego, where he sees a sign for Las Vegas and decides he'd like to find out what all the fuss is about. So he's driving his rental across the desert, when smoke starts to pour out of the hood. Cursing, he looks over to realize that he's rig…

Las Vegas Floor Show What is the difference between a circus side show and a Las Vegas floor show? One has a cunning array of stunts the other has a stunning array of cunts.

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost) ...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. ""That's boxing, from Las Vegas."" The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goe…

The Frog and Golf A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ""Wow that's am…

I has seven babes. A black ma ma goes into the welfare office to verify she has 7 sons. The welfare officer begins the interview with""What are your children's names?"" which the ma ma replies, ""Quonzavior"".... The welfare officer says, ""All your kids are named Quonzavior ?"" ""Yeas"", replies ma ma. ""Well what to do do when you want to call one in particular?"", asked the welfare officer. ""Oh, that be easy"", says ma ma. ""I's just call em by their las name""

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going. ""To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."" The man started packing his bags. ""Where are you going?"" she asked. ""I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year.""

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ""Ribbit. 9 Iron."" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. ""Ribbit. 9 Iron."" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ""Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lu…

An Indian Chief was taking a week off in Las Vegas After just two days, he had gambled away all his funds, so he sent a smoke signal back to his tribe asking them to wire him more money. The tribe signalled back, saying ""No way, you're being reckless with your money and we're not sending you any more!"" Just then, a nuclear bomb was detonated in the Nevada desert. The Chief watched in awe as the gigantic mushroom cloud reached toward the sky. Then, further in the distance, he saw a tiny plume o…

The Las Vegas Ice Cream Eating Contest The Scooper Duper Creamery was a small ice cream shop on the Vegas Strip. They would hold ice cream eating contests on the weekends that, being in Vegas, would be bet on by the tourists. Anyone could sign up to participate in the challenge if they were daring enough. To win, one would have to eat an entire gallon in thirty minutes. If no one was successful at the end, the person who ate the most would be declared the winner instead. One weekend, a gentleman…

Gambling in Vegas My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche. I thought ""nice, I'm going to get in on that."" So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle. A Greyhound bus.

LUCKY FROG A man takes the day off from work and decides to go play a round of golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, 'Ribbit, 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit, 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow t…

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. ""Where are you going?"" demands the surprised husband. ""To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. ""What do you think you are doing?"" she screamed. ""I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!""

A man hears a voice from above... The voice commands: ""SELL YOUR BUSINESS!"" The man is understandably hesitant, but the voice is insistent. ""SELL YOUR BUSINESS!"" The man finally gives in and sells his fairly successful business to the tune of 3 million dollars. Soon after, he hears the voice again. ""NOW, SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON LOTTERY TICKETS!"" The man is again, hesitant, but decides to listen to the voice. 2 days later, he discovers hundreds of his cards have won, and he has won around 5…

18 daughters Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said "" no but you can sleep with the cows."" the…

3 men walk into a hotel. Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said "" no but you can sleep with the…

Casino Money A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of th…

John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job ...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. ""John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."" Over time it starts to get more and more specific. ""John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k ,take out all of the cash, don't tell Mary, and take the 11:15am flight direct to Vegas..."" Eventually, John can't han…

The twenty and the one . . . A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they strike up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. ""I've had a pretty good life,"" the twenty proclaimed. ""Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the …

Lucky Frog A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ""Ribbit. 9 Iron"" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. ""Ribbit. 9 Iron."" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it right into the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ""Wow that's amazing. You must b…

Shirly-Mae goes to the sherif's... ""Oh sherif, mah husband Buck wen out fishin' on the bayou jus las evenin, and he ain't come home! i is worried sick!"" ""well alright. me n the boys will go lookin. don't you worry miss, we'll find him, sure enough"" ""thank yew, sherif. would yew please call me when you do?"" ""yes ma'am."" so sherif and the boys go a-lookin, and sure enough, find Buck. sherif calls Shirly-Mae ""Now ma'am, we found your husband. I got some good news, and some bad news. Bad ne…