Las Jokes

Heading to Vegas A man comes home to find his blonde wife of 15 years packing her suitcase. ""Where do you think you're going?"" exclaims the surprised husband. ""I am booked on the next flight out to Las Vegas! I found out that there are thousands of good looking men who will gladly pay me $500 for what I give you for free!"" The man was taken aback but stood there considering his response for a moment, and then without a word got out his clothes to pack in his suitcase, whistling a happy tune.…

Lil Johnny: ""Dad I lost my virginity las night!"" Dad: ""I am proud of you son, come sit next to me and tell me how it went."" Lil Johnny: ""I can't sit right now, my butt still hurts""

A woman walks into a welfare office... ...and asks to apply for welfare for her ten kids. The man at the desk takes and a form, and asks, ""What are the names of the children?"" The woman replies, ""Jamal"". ""Okay, Jamal, and...?"" ""Dey all name Jamal."" ""I'm sorry, ma'am, but how do you tell them apart?"" ""Oh, I just use dey las' names.""

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, decided to stay with 3 Daughters of.. Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and…

A New Yorker, a Las Vegan, and a Texan all meet at a bar overseas... The New Yorker says ""this bar is ok, but I'd like to drink to my hometown bar, where the server greets you with your favourite drink, and every weekend is happy hour all night."" They all nod and cheers, and drink to the New Yorkers hometown bar. After the next couple of rounds the Las Vegan says ""I'd like to drink to my hometown bar, where they doors are never closed, and if you come alone the manager will send 3 hot chicks …

I felt like a golfer Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said "" no but you can sleep with the cow…

A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas. The receptionist asks, ""Do you have a reservation?""

Why did the band Coldplay get really skinny? they had intestinal: para, para, parasites **What is the band Coldplay's favorite activity when they go to a beach resort?** they like to: para, para, paraglide **What does the band Coldplay always do when they play a gig in Las Vegas?** they throw a: pair of, pair of, pair of dice **Why did the band Coldplay get sent home from school?** cause they had: hair-a, hair-a, hair-a lice **What did Coldplay's cat bring to their doorstep?** it was a: pair of,…

If there's ever a zombie outbreak, it should happen in Las Vegas Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

What do you call a guy who tells jokes that only he thinks is funny? /u/daddyboyfriend! Confirmation (this bit right here is [an x-post from /r/self](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/34kksj/could_i_get_some_feedback_on_my_jokes/) - and these were deemed as *jokes* from the mods of /r/antijokes when I tried x-posting there) How should a California white woman stop her kids from jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling. What do you call a course in an L.A. public school district which t…

Weekly Offering (NSFW) One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. ""Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"" he stated.…

Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas. I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.

A suicide bomber goes to Las Vegas to try his luck at the slot machines.... ....he hit the jackpot, and now he's all over the place.

Lucky frog I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, ""RIBBIT ... 9 iron."" I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, ""RIBBIT 9 iron."" I looked at the frog and decided to prove the him wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, ""Wow that's amazing. You must…

Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty) - ""What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."" - ""I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."" - ""We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.""

A Las Vegas joke Criss Angel

The next World Cup is going to be held in Nevada FIFA Las Vegas

18 Daughters Joke Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said "" no but you can sleep with the cows."…

Voice from above There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.'' He can't tak…

Early, but here's one for the Holidays. The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion. The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined…

Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas? Tibet

An old married couple is travelling on the road. Decided to take a room. An old married couple is travelling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice h…

Business trip to Las Vegas After a hectic day in the office Jon called to an expensive escort service. A beautiful blond woman came and a diner was served in the suite. An ambient background music and soothing landscapes made Jon feel good and ready. While waiting for the woman to come out of the shower Jon got a phone call. It was his mother in law who cried over the phone informing him that his wife Jannet got into a fatal accident and died this evening. She asked him to come ASAP next morning…

As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase ""What on earth are you doing?"" asked her puzzled husband. ""In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free,"" she pointed out, ""so I'm moving to Las Vegas."" This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags. ""What are you up to?"" asked Susie in surprise. ""I'm following you to Las Vegas,"" he replied. ""I've *got* to see you li…

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. ""Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"" he stated. ""Why yes,"" she replied, ""every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."" ""That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"" ""Oh, $20,000 a week."" ""Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"" ""H…