Las Jokes

A rich business man wakes up one morning to hear the voice of God in his head. ""I WANT YOU TO SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE"" boomed the celestial voice. The business man feels that God must have some purpose for him in life so he gets on the phone and sells all his property, his cars, his business. No sooner has he cashed the check for all he had sold than God speaks to him again. ""I WANT YOU TO GO TO LAS VEGAS AND PLACE ALL YOUR MONEY ON ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK"". The business man hops on a plane a…

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied ""I'm going to Las Vegas."" He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him ""I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free"". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said ""And just where do you think you're going?"" ""I'm going too!"…

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, ""When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"" The dealer replies, ""When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"" ""Yes,"" the gambler concedes. ""Well then, he serves you food; whether it's…

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, ""ribbit ... 9 iron."" I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, ""ribbit 9 iron."" I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, ""Wow that's amazing. You must be a luck…

""What Happens Here, Stays Here"" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders: 1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.) 2) It's The Gambling, Stupid 3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home 4) Where Luck Goes to Die 5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong 6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, t…

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,""Ribbit. 9 Iron."" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.""Ribbit. 9 Iron."" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ""Wow that's amazing."" You must be a lu…

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small churchfound a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. ""Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"" he stated. ""Why yes,"" she replie…

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, ""Is this a union house?"" ""No, I'm sorry, it isn't,"" said the Madame. ""Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"" he asked. ""The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."" Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, ""Is t…

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. ""Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"" he stated. ""Why yes,"" s…

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ""Ribbit. 9- Iron"". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. ""Ribbit. 9-Iron."" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, ""Wow that's amazing. You must be …

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. ""Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"" he stated. ""…

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims ""Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"" F…

Two aliens from outer space landed in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked. ""What's the matter?"" asked his friend. ""It's a very popular place"" replied the first alien. ""It's full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs.""

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says ""Honey pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."" His wife say ""That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe the Carribean?"" He says ""I don't care just be gone when I get home.""

Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water they were beginning to lose heart. Suddenly a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said ""I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true."" Friend number one got excited. He said ""I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other surrounded by music food and beautiful women."" Instantly he was gone his w…

The Vet One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes…

A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas" the voice says. The man is confused, but shrugs it off and assumes he just imagined it. He gets out of the shower and brushes his teeth. After he gets dressed, he heads into the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. As he's looking in the fridge, he hears the voice again, "Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas." This time around he's more than a little disconcerted, but still, …

Lucky Frog A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing.…

Going to Vegas A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks. His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free." The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things. "What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks. The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

A chicken walks into a library... ...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book. Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book, book book." The librarian thinks what the hell and grabs it Of Mice and Men and the hen leaves. Next day sure enough the hen is back, book in beak, "book book boooook."…

$400a night A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. ‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man. ‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! ‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. ‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife. The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re go…

So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"