Business trip to Las Vegas After a hectic day in the office Jon called to an expensive escort service. A beautiful blond woman came and a diner was served in the suite. An ambient background music and soothing landscapes made Jon feel good and ready. While waiting for the woman to come out of the shower Jon got a phone call. It was his mother in law who cried over the phone informing him that his wife Jannet got into a fatal accident and died this evening. She asked him to come ASAP next morning…

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

*getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out

[kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED