Sports Jokes

If looks could kill, I'd still use a baseball bat.

A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last tweet.

What is cold? (note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32) +10C The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating. The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers. +5C The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the horizon) +2C Italian cars won't start. 0C Pure water freezes. -1C Exhaled air becomes visible. Time to book some holidays around the Mediterranean. The Laps eat ice-cream & drink cold beer. -4C The cat wants to share my duv…

A man and his boss are playing golf... one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. ""You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days"" he says as they resume their game. ""Well, I thought it was only right."" Replies the man. ""After all, we'd been married for ten years.""

My favorite golf joke Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in. First guy says, ""What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"" ""Don't worry,"" says the second guy, ""even God can't hit a 1-iron.""

A man left a letter for his wife on the dining table The letter read: ""To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset...I shall be home before midnight."" When th…

Fart football. A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, ""Seven Points."" His wife rolls over and says, ""What in the world was that?"" The old man replied, ""It's fart football."" A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ""Touchdown, tie score."" After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ""Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."" Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, ""Touchdown, tie score…

a priest and a golfer are playing golf... On the first hole, the priest gets a hole in one. The golfer, wanting to show up the priest, tries to get a hole in one too. He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole. ""Damn it! I missed!"" yells the golfer. ""Sir, if you say that one more time, God will strike you down."" warns the priest. They keep playing and soon the golfer forgets the priests warning. On the 18th hole, the priest gets another hole-in-one. Naturally…

Silly Americans. The national pastime of Tahiti is making love, but we, silly fools, picked baseball.

Talking Dog A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office. ""All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?"" asks the agent. The man says, ""Its not me sir, its my dog he talks!"" ""Yeah, right,"" says the agent. ""I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."" ""No, wait,"" says the man. ""I'll prove it."" He turns to the dog and asks, ""What do you normally find on top of a house?"" ""Roof!"" says the dog, wagging his tail. ""Listen, p…

A Scotsman... newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, ""Run! Run!"" So he stands up and yells, ""Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"" In the fourth inning a batter gets walked. When the umpire calls ball four he tosses the bat aside and starts ambling toward first at a leisurely pace. The Scotsman jumps up and yells, ""Rrrrun, ladd…

Ruth! (not sure if repost) A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. ""This dog can speak English,"" he claims to the unimpressed agent. ""Okay, Sport,"" the guys says to the dog, ""what's on the top of a house?"" ""Roof!"" the dog replies. ""Oh, come on..."" the talent agent responds. ""All dogs go roof'."" ""No, wait,"" the guy says. He asks the dog ""what does sandpaper feel like?"" ""Rough!"" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his…

While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies... His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in,"" says the man. ""Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hel…

So, Steve is out playing golf with his three buddies on a beautiful Sunday afternoon... On the 18th green, Steve is about to make his final put before they all go in and have some beers. Just before he hits the ball, however, the golfers see a funeral procession in the cemetery across the street. Steve stops what he's doing and takes his hat off, waiting for the procession to pass. His buddies, thoroughly impressed, say, ""Steve, that was really cool, man. You showed a lot of respect, just now."…

If you ever get really mad. All you have to do is think about a T-Rex trying to pick up a basketball.

Appropriate for Election Season A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks his profession. The man says he was a politician. ""Ah,"" says St. Peter, ""then you may choose whether you would like to go to heaven or hell. You may spend one week in heaven, then one week in hell. At the end of the two weeks, you may decide where you would likes to spend the rest of eternity."" So the man goes first to heaven. Everyone sits around peacefully strumming their harps a…

The Dentist A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, ""Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"" The dentist thought to himself, ""My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."" So the dentist asked h…

I got chatting to a bird down the pub last night. She said, ""So what do you work as?"" ""It's a very important job,"" I said. ""I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."" ""Wow, a football agent?"" she asked. ""No,"" I replied. ""I work in the drive thru at McDonald's.""

Usain Bolt walks into a Golf club And the receptionist says: ""Sorry we don't let blacks play here. There's a club that does 10 minutes down the road."" ""But I'm Usain Bolt!"" ""Okay clever cunt, 3 minutes then!""

The Bravest Football Fan Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is illegal. They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one request. When brought before the torturer, the Arsenal fan requests to have 3 pillows strapped to his back. After 15 hits, the pillows are completely gone, leaving the man with 3…

Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences... The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, ""We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."" The second guy says, ""Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."" The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. ""What the hell are they for?"" ask the first two guys. ""Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these.""

What is your best practical joke that only you, now reddit, knows about. Warning Wall of Text! Sometimes jokes are best when only you know about them. [Andy Kaufman](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Clifton) was king of these. My jokee was an unsuspecting neighbor. I had Dish Network service and one of the remote controls was an RF remote meaning that you didn't have to be line of sight in order for it to work. My very new neighbor recently got Dish Network installed, I saw them putting up the …

Goldilocks and the Three Bears (American Football Fans Will Understand) Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce after the fiasco with Goldilocks, but they must decide custody of baby bear. The judge takes baby bear aside, and asks politely, ""Would you like to live with Papa Bear?"" ""No,"" Baby Bear answers, ""Papa Bear beats me!"" ""Oh no."" the judge replies. ""Then you can live with Mama Bear."" ""No!"" Baby Bear exclaims. ""She beats me too!"" ""Oh dear."" Says the judge. ""Well then,…

Gentlemen...BEHOLD! Puns. What do you call a cool mushroom?...A fun guy!!! A neutron walks into a bar. ""I'd like a beer"" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ""How much will that be?"" asks the neutron. ""For you?"" replies the bartender, ""no charge"" A guy walks into a restaurant, and takes a seat. Across the room he see's a panda bear eating a large pile of bamboo. Upon finishing the bamboo a waiter comes to the pandas table. The panda then shoots the waiter in the head, gets u…

I like to take a dog with me when I play golf.... I put my balls in its mouth.