Sports Jokes

I broke my arm playing golf today...

If you give Indian kids hockey stick and football they will be playing cricket with it.

Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven. He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy ""Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!"" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and…

Just started coaching some retarded children in football The passing isn't very good yet, but the dribbling is fantastic.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe. Passenger: Who? Cabbie: Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time. Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody. Cabbie: Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could …

Blind Cowboys and Blond Bikers (Long) An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1) The…

A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady. ""Guys, meet my new fiancee"" he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals. For the rest of the afternoon his friends can't take their eyes off the stunning beauty. After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group. One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, ""How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a bea…

A visual joke... So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get the product for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken [flap your arms li…

What do you call the baseball team made out of Pokemon? The New York Mankeys!

Fart Soccer An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, ""1-0"". His wife rolls over and says, ""What in the world was that?"" The old man replied ""it's fart soccer."" A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ""Goal! Tie score..."" After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ""Aha, I'm ahead 2 to 1"" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ""And she scores again!, tie score."" Five seconds go by and she let…

When i was a kid we played football on a bit of grass at the bottom of the bridge where people often committed suicide... We used the jumpers for goalposts.

Why are Asians bad at golf? They don't know how to drive.

As Clean As Cold Water Can Get Them Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Larry's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs. Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, ""Are these plates clean?"" His grandfather replied, ""They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal"". For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry…

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill? A miracle. ------------------------------------- A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, ""Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?"" The mechanic says, ""Sounds like a fair trade."" ------------------------------------- A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the ticket in, he asks the attendee what the prize is. ""First place is a Lada,"" he says. ""And what's second place?"" asks the man. ""Two Ladas,"" the attendee replies. --------------…

Two golfers are playing a round... One of them slices one hard and after a bit of a search he comes back complaining of how much he hates losing golf balls. The other guy says; ""I actually have a ball that's impossible to lose... I'll give it to you"" ""Impossible?"" the first guys says, ""That's hard to believe. What if it lands in water?"" ""No problem... it floats"" ""What if it's dark?"" ""It glows in the dark."" ""What if it lands in tall grass?"" ""It will emit a whistle so you know where…

The golf joke What's the best part about golf? It's the only activity where you actually aim for the hole under 18 and you don't go to jail.

Two immigrants in Britain have a competition; who can be more English? ... Two immigrant friends in Britain decide to host a competition between themselves, who can be more English than the other? They decide that they will meet up in 1 week and see whom is more English than whom. 1 week has past, and they meet up. The first immigrant says ""I have become a true Englishmen! I sip tea everyday and I now drive my kids to football practice!"" The other says ""Get out of my country you Paki cunt"".

Did you hear those loud tennis players last night? They were causing quite the racket.

Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game? Egypt: 8. Ethopia: Didn't.

Britons vs. Americans Americans: It's Mom not Mum It's Chips not Crisps It's Fries not Chips It's Color not Colour It's Soccer not Football It's Football not Rugby Britons: It's School not Shooting Range.

A British girl meets a guy... And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it. ""Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"" Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said ""Oh honey... ... *he's a keeper*""

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, ""What happened to you? ""Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "" ""I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a go…

Second half centipede The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities. To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a football game and whoever won would be the greatest. In the first half the animals just dominated. They had bears on the front line, deer to run the ball, badgers at linebacker and eagle…

A priest wakes up on a Sunday morning He opens his window and sees that the sun is shining brightly, so he decides to call in sick for the day to play some golf. God and his angels sees this and is absolutely disgusted. How dare he miss a service just so he could play a silly game? 'Don't worry,' God says, 'I have just the *perfect* punishment for him.' The priest takes a swing and the ball bounces off several trees before rolling straight into the hole, scoring a perfect hole in one. One of the…

An airplane was about to Crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, ""I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die."" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the Smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the pla…