Sports Jokes

Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken...

My career as a baseball catcher was cut short because I insisted on kissing the ball every time before I threw it back to the pitcher.

You can stop advertising pizza and beer during football. People who watch football know about them.

Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower. On 2. Go! Football parenting

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn't find it so we're outside watching the house burn.

Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field

It's like my golf instructor thinks I'm mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.

Not sure if you'll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you're done.

hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

I love when football players put their t-shirts over their shoulder pads because they look like business women from the 80s.

Today my 6 yr. old nephew asked my what "gay" meant. It wouldn't have bothered me so bad, but it was right after he saw me throw a baseball.

Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it

"Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms" -There's nothing I can do "There isn't?" -Not until you bring in your other two arms

A bunch of kids from the varsity Minecraft team bullying an athletic loser who brought a football to school.. Visions of future war

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

*caches football thrown from off screen* "Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

[vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Steve : I'm going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra. *Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Why do women try to talk football? Do you see me in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies? No. You don't.

Octopus 1-you up for tennis? Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again Octo1-..we dont have elb Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they're all wearing the same thing again