Sports Jokes

Him: How does my football throw look to you? Me: Like you're good at science...

I just threw a football through a tire swing and now I'm in first place in the NFC South?

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

How about a baseball cap that says "BALD", so you can cover your gross bald head, but when you take it off no one is surprised/disappointed?

Watching soccer gives me the same feeling as watching a drunk guy try to get his key in the door.

it's weird how Americans say "soccer" instead of "football" and my dad says "I wish you were dead" rather than "i love you"

"The secret is that it's all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something

*steps on a Lego* *shouts a bunch of obscenities* Son: *walks in* is football on?

Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their's that they don't ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.

My ex can't take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don't have to be there

I'm white, but not applying SPF 100 listening to Mumford & Sons in my Subaru while at soccer practice after a nice quiche for brunch white.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed? Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Me: "This new flavour of Pringles is horrible." Wife: "You're eating a tube of tennis balls."

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday. Me: I don't follow basketball.

"You may now kiss the bride" Wow this is the happiest day of- *dad flies by in hot air ballon* QUEEERR *throws football at my head*

To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball.

Fantasy football is great, you can just imagine whatever you want. Dracula just tackled Harry Potter.

I loathe tweets like "Be somebody's beautiful tragedy". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. "Be golf brisket honkytonk"

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

What is this special type of waffle called a "Tennis racket" and why does it taste like metal wires?

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That's how I feel during football season.

Oh you're a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Direct quote from my daughter: "I know horses can play soccer really well because they're fast." Thank god she's pretty.