America Jokes

An Indian Arrived in America... An Indian guy named ""Anantraman Subbaraman"" arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name. He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet. They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as ""Anotherman Superman"", but nobody was replying.

A young, recently married Italian couple immigrates to New York... ...and after three months of marriage, the wife, Maria, presents the husband, Ernesto, with divorce papers. Lawyers get involved, and eventually they are sitting in a meeting with each other's lawyers. Ernesto's lawyer asks Maria: Maria, why do you want to divorce Ernesto? Maria says ""Two reasons! One, he-a is always-a picking at-a his nose! Day and night! It's-a disgusting! And-a two, he-a never wants to make love with-a me on-…

Russian Condoms One day the president of the largest condom company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16"" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says ""Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'""

In the year 2013, the Lord appeared unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said: ""Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans."" He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ""You have 6 months to build the Ark before I bring about unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."" 6 months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "…

Only in America.... When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians use a pencil.

Gun Control Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!' Source:- f…

Ethiopian Jokes [Very, Very Offensive] How Many ethiopians can you fit into a phone booth? -All of 'em How do you tell if an ethiopian woman is pregnant? -Hold her up to the light How do you start a riot in ethiopia? -Roll a donut down the street Did you hear about the Ethiopian-American soccer game? -The final score was America 8, Ethiopia didn't. Have you ever had Ethiopian food? -Neither have they Whats the fastest animal in the world? -The Ethiopian chicken What's the best part about marry…

Latvian joke. Are three. Latvian go fish. Catch fish. Is excite for food! Boat tip over. Lose fish. Also catch sickness. Die. Leave family only half potato. Latvian very hungry. Go to neighbor, beg for food. Neighbor very nice, give half potato wrapped in paper. Latvian go home. Too late. Family all starve. Also, not potato wrapped in paper. Is rock. Also very cold outside. Latvian meet magician on road. Magician offer to do trick. Latvian ask Magician to send him to America, where there many po…

A Russian family moves to America... ...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, ""You must go out and sell your body."" The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, ""How much did you make?"" The wife replies, ""50 dollars and 10 cents."" The husband asks out of curiosity, ""Who gave you the ten cents?"" The wife says, ""They ALL did.""

The snake and the skunk A man and his wife are coming to America with their pet snake and pet skunk. As they are walking up to the gate, about to board the airplane, they read a sign that says no pets allowed through customs. The wife gets a little distressed and asks the husband, ""What are we going to do?"" After thinking for a few minutes he comes up with the solution that he'll wrap the snake around his waist and act like it's a snake skin belt. She nods her head in approval. Then the husban…

Murder There were three european men going to America. they didn't know english so they each went to a place. the first person went to a football game and learned yes. the second person went to a resturant and learned forks and knives. the third man went to a candy shop and heard a little kid yell he stole my lollipop! they all found a dead body when a police officer came up and said did you kill this man? the first man said yes. the cop asked what did you do it with? the second man said forks a…

Old lady's wager A little old lady walks into the Bank of America with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank. She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank. Since he is free at the time and does not want to decline an old woman, the president agrees to see her. The president is curious, so he asks her, ""Where did you get all this money?"" The old lady repli…

while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle... I'm just kidding, I live in America.

Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship... Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship; both of them are drowning. Who gets saved?!? The answer: AMERICA!!!

An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship... The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them ""I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"" The three great friends begin to think before answering the genie. The American answers first ""I want the chance to sing the great national anthem of America one last time in full, and please …

Regular Russia, not the Soviet one Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, ""This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America."" Igor responses, ""Why do think America would be any better."" Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, ""Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the ca…

An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar... ... they sit at the bar and order whiskey. The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. ""In America, we got so many glasses, we don't drink out of the same one twice!"" The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and shoots it with his six-shooter. ""Same in New Zealand. So many glasses, we don't dare drink out of the same one twice."" The Australian looks at them both, downs hi…

The importance of never being late A priest celebrates his 25th anniversary as head of a small congregation in a small village in rural America. The mayor was supposed to hold a speech at the beginning, but as always he had more important matters at hand. So the priest started with his speech. 'I know how disturbed I was 25years ago when I came to this village. The first man to confess, I will not name him, told me that he cheated on his wife and had 5 children with his affaire...' As the priest…

How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate? He claimed 47% of America as dependents.

First World Problems How to create FWP, Get a dog and a boy and throw the boy down the well and go get your dog to save him because you to lazy to do it *AMERICA*

My twin sons Craig and Stuart are going to America to audition on the X factor when it starts over there. ""Hi, i'm Craig Towers, and i'm Stuart Towers... and together we're Twin Towers"" I've got a feeling they'll go down well.

Shredded cheese has officially been banned at grocery stores in the US. President Trump will make America grate again.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back.

America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.

So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%