I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

*runs into restaurant* IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? "I'm a doctor" Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I'm very poor

Pizza is like racism. America didn't invent it, but it's hard to find a country that does it better.

Me: "I'd like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please." Man: "That isn't how a food bank works, sir."