America Jokes

An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke... He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he's never heard before. He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, ""Why the long face?"" The Englishman says, ""I've had a disappointing trip. I don't suppose you could tell me a good American joke before I returned home?"" ""A joke!"" …

The Unknown Celebrity The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decided ""why not?"" And so, the Pope and the driver switch spots and pull out of the airport. On the freeway, the Pope gets a bit too excited and starts to push more on the accelerato…

Whats the difference between an anthropologist and a sociologist? Anthropologists hate Western Civilization. Sociologists only hate America.

Irish Wife At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: ""At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."" The crowd cheered. The second speaker from Ame…

What do you call a Mexican that buys antiques in America? An American Spicker

New evidence suggests that Turkey is now supporting ISIS ... they were pretty pissed off at America after Thanksgiving.

In honor of Ferguson: A black man, a white man, and a Mexican were walking along a beach in the US. After a while, they stumble upon a genie's lamp. They pick it up, rub it, and out pops a genie, as one would expect. The genie thanks them for freeing him, and offers them one wish each. So the Mexican says, ""This country is racist and petty. My people and I are continuously downtrodden and endure great hardships. I wish for all Mexicans to go back to Mexico, and never return to this prejudiced l…

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man all board a plane to America.... As they leave the airport from Heathrow and fly to america the Englishman has a bright idea. He turns around and says to the other two of his friends, ""why don't we throw some money out of the plane for good luck"". Brilliant idea they both turn around and say. So the Englishman goes first. He throws a 50 pence coin out of the airplane as they fly over England. When they fly over Scotland the Scottish man thinks, ""we…

I don't know why everyone is so upset about the rioting in Ferguson The rest of America is going to do the exact same thing on Friday, they just got a head start on holiday shopping.

One time i owned a america so hard xD a american was talking about the nsa and how there government takes away there rights and its a police state and i said ""but i thought your country was supposed to be the land of the free"" xD

At The Zoo One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, ""I would like to see one of the zoos in America."" To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole. Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situ…

To Absent Brothers An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we al…

America thought about using fat as a currency... ...but there was too much inflation.

5% of America thinks we're doing well. The other 95% thinks we could do gooder.

Two men go for a hike. (Long) A Czechoslovakian and a Russian decide to take a trip to America to hike Mt. McKinley. After their long flight and hauling all of their gear, they get to the base of the mountain. When they reach the ranger station, the rangers tell them that the mountain has had a serious bear problem lately. The rangers say that two bears, a male and a female, have been mauling hikers for the past few weeks, and that the men should come back another time. After some discussion, th…

The secret of recent explosion of Antares rocket The decades old Soviet rocket engines it used were engineered to fly TO America, not AWAY from it.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is ""the stupidest country in the world."" *Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world* [Source!] (http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/american/im-american-and-im-sick-of-people-saying-america-is-105756)

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian are sitting around a bonfire... ...when suddenly, the Russian throws his bottle of vodka into the fire. The American jumps up and asks, ""What did you do that for?"" The Russian replies, ""In Russia, we have so much vodka! We do this all the time!"" The American, wanting to one-up the Russian, grabs a handful of cash and throws it into the fire, and says, ""In America, we have so much money! We do this all the time!"" The Canadian grabs a Native.

Abou El Abed comes back to Lebanon from America... His friend Abou El Steff asks him ""Did you learn the language?"". Abou el Abed says ""Sure I can now speak english"" (in arabic). So Abou el Steff decides to quiz him. He asks him ""How do you say come here in english"". Abou el Abed says ""Come here"". Abot el Steff is amazed. So he asks another question ""How do you say go over there in english"". So abou el abed says ""You go over there and say ""Come here"""". Sorry guys this is a bilingual…

Man....that could have been me! I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green. Suddenly, a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a ""Remember 9-11"" slogan spray painted on the side, pulled up next to me. They had a wild-eyed look as they yelled ""Allah HuAkbar! Praise Allah! Death to America"" & waved their fists at me.…

If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln, America really would have gone South.

[Bit Long] So, there's a man walking through the Sahara... ...and finds an empty, dirty bottle. He's fairly poor, and is travelling to the nearest city to trade. He figures the bottle has some value, maybe a tourist will buy it, and examines it. He takes a good look at it, and rubs it. Suddenly, a genie appears! He tells the traveler that he will grant him two, and only two, wishes. The traveler is running low on supplies, and hasn't seen his family in months; maybe years. He wishes to be brough…

An American, an Irishman and a Mexican walk into a... boat The boat's sinking. They need to get rid of some things. The Irishman says, ""I'll throw my beer into the ocean... We got plenty of that in Ireland!"" The Mexican says, ""I'll throw out my tacos. We got plenty of those in Mexico."" The American says' ""I'll throw out the Mexican, we got plenty of those in America!""

Classic Russian Reversal Old one, but I still find it funny: In America, you go out to find a party. In Soviet Union, party finds you!

Hadji becomes ill... Hadji is new to America, and after a few months, he becomes very ill. He visits several doctors, but none are able to help him. Finally, he finds a doctor from his homeland. The doctor says, ""Take dis bucket, go home. Piss in de bucket. Den turn around and shit in de bucket. After dat, lean down, put your head over de bucket, and breathe deeply for an hour."" Confused, but so miserable that he'll try anything, Hadji goes home and follows the instructions. Sure enough, he fe…