America Jokes

50,000 battered women in America every year.. and I've been eating mine plain this whole time.

My favorite Yakov Smirnoff joke about the good old USSR. In America you find the party. In Russia the party finds you. Edit: in reference to the soviet party

In America they have stand up comedy... In the Balkans we have Sit Down Tragedy.

Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, gets on a podium and encourages all black men in America to buy guns to protect themselves from white guys with guns. Just kidding.

A German joke... A man is thanking a German firefighter in America for saving 100 people. The German says, ""Don't Menschen it""

A white man a black man and a Mexican man A white man a Mexican and a black man are walking down a bench abd they stumble upon a lamp they grab it and rub it and a genie pops out the genie says ""For freeing me from a thousand years of imprisonment I shall great each of you one wish"". The genie walks up to the black man and says ""What's you're one wish?"" The black man says ""I wish all of my African brothers and sisters in America to be safe happy and free in Africa!"" Poof,all the blacks in …

In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.

If I had a nickel for every time I was right and my parents were wrong. . . I would owe more than what America owes China.

A Mexican Boy Wants To Learn English Everyday Pablo would ask his dad when he could send him to America so he could learn english. His dad always replied, ""Son, I cannot afford to send you to America, but maybe someday you can still learn."" This continued for years until Pablo's 15th birthday when his dad bought him a very special gift, a radio. ""Here is your gift Pablo, a radio so you can listen to english everyday!"" Pablo was excited, finally he would be able to learn the language. The nex…

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery (edited for cultural sensitivities)... An arab man and a jewish man both decide to head into a bakery together, holding hands no less. After a brief disagreement on who would hold the shop's door open for the other, they proceeded to pass through the doorway facing each other, so as to enter at the same time. The two friends walk around the bakery, spying a half dozen pastries to eat. They call the baker over to compliment him on his tasty treats. The baker smi…

So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush Musharraf - ""Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that.. Bush - ""What buildings? What people?"" Musharraf - ""Oh, what time is it in America now?"" Bush - ""It's eight in the morning."" Musharraf - ""Oops... Will call back in an hour.""

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?? Because Freedom rings! Happy Birthday U.S!

Ohayo! A Japanese man approaches his American co-worker, whom he knows little about. Japanese man: Good morning, Chris! Chris: Good morning, Hiroto! Hiroto: Chris, I meant to ask you, where in America do you live? Chris: Ohio. Hiroto: You already said that.

What does America and Sauron have in common? They are both shit at protecting towers

Must be told in a horrible, thick Italian accent So I heard this joke a couple of years ago, I think it's much older than that though. Read it out loud in a very bad, thick Italian accent. So, Vincenzo, my cousin in America invites me to stay with him, so I say, 'Okay, I'va never been to America, I'ma come over. I get offa da plane and I'ma hungry. I go down to a breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two pisses. She say go to the…

A redneck is driving down the road... He sees a black guy walking along the side. He swerves, hits the black guy, and goes ""One more nigger handled rightly."" A little farther down the road, he sees another black guy, does the same, and again jokes, ""Cleaning up America, one nigger at a time."" Now a little farther down the same road he sees a priest hitchhiking. 'Can't let a man of the cloth walk when the lord's been so good to me,' he thinks as he pulls over and picks up the priest. Going do…

What did one turnip say to the other? We're white and bulbous, just like America

My girlfriend wants me to get a new phone My girlfriend and I were sitting on a plane heading towards america, she kept on nagging at me telling me to get a new phone, (old nokia brick) Then she kept on repeating, get a new one get a new one!!!! Finally i gave into the temptation and got a new girlfriend.

America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked the Iranian said, ""I have just one question about what I have seen in America."" The General said, ""Well, anything I can do to help."" The Iranian whispered, ""My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, …

Funny but old fake adopt an Enron Exec email from way back. Remember that whole Enron Scandal? I was looking through some old computer back up disks and found this. Probably wont be funny to younger kids but some old farts like me might get a chuckle: **Adopt an Enron Executive** Dear kind-hearted friends...Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. …

I'm not saying... Putin is humiliating Obama, but the last time a Russian treated an African America like this, Apollo creed died.

What Metallica song does Captain America hate? Trapped Under Ice.

What's the best Russian Reversal joke you know? A few of my favourites.... * In Soviet Russia, Google searches you * In Soviet Russia, sentence finishes you * In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drives you * In Soviet Russia, lazy dog jumps over quick brown fox * In Soviet Russia, fetus aborts you. * Roses are red, Violets are blue, In Soviet Russia, Poems write YOU * in soviet Russia, chuck Norris still kills you

How Canada responds to defeating America in Hockey So as I'm sure you know Canada went against America in hockey last night. But what people don't know is that after Canada beat America they said they were so ""Sory""