America Jokes

Life's Observations 1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: ""Buy one dog, get one flea."" 3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here. 4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolut…

Where did vampires go to first in America? New-fang-land.

There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress who took her order for a cup of coffee that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. ""Everything's big in Texas ma'am"" said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. ""I told you ma'am that everything is big in Texas"" said the waitress. On her…

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness"" said one of the Cardinals ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry"" said the Cardinal ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"" Ever…

At an outdoor press conference Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being ""lifeless as a statue."" ""That is absurd"" Gore stoically stated. ""When elected the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."" Embarrassed for her husband Tipper leaned in to whisper ""Honey you have a pigeon on your head.""

As US tourists in Israel a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results he asked where they were from. ""America"" the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin the Arab responded. ""She's not from the States."" ""Yes I am."" said the wife. He looked at her and asked. ""Is he your husband?"" ""Yes."" she replied. Turning to the …

For their 25th wedding anniversary a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane the wife turns to her husband and says ""This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!"" Her husband leaned over kissed her on the cheek and said ""I'm going to come back and get you""

Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years and the very day after he took that medicine he heard from America!

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America ? On their feet !

Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58000 cars out in the driveway.

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

Two Scots father and son go to America. - Daddy when we'll arrive? - Shut up and swim.

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled ""Honda very fast! Made in Japan!"" After a while a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled ""Toyota very fast! Made in Japan!"" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time the Japanese …

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns ""take off."" Then he learnes ""zebra"" from the zoo and ""baby"" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says ''Mommy I learned new words today.'' She says ""Great honey what did you learn?"" He says ''Takeoffzebrababy!''

A French guy an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. ''Why did you do that?''asked the other men. ''We have plenty of fine wine in France'' said the man. Next the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ''Why did you do that?'' asked the other men. ''We have plenty of cigars in Cuba'' said the Cuban man. Finally the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throw' him off the cliff. ''What did you do that for?…

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other ""I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."" ""Odd"" her companion replies ""but if we shall live in America we might as well do as the Americans do."" Nodding emphatically the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. ""Two dogs please"" says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited the nuns hurry over to a bench an…

With the divorce rate so high in America a new organization has been formed called ""Marriage Anonymous."" Whenever a guy feels like getting married they send over a woman with crulers in her hair cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said ""Great-uncle George occupied a chair of appli…

If a man was born in England raised in America and died in Spain what does that make him? Dead.

If a woman is born in Italy grows up in England goes to America and dies in Baltimore what is she? Dead.

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: ""Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!""

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life . ""Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?"" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies . ""I don't know"" . The other trucker says "" You and your brother "". Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him ""Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."" Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck .he g…

Four corporate presidents one English one French one Japanese and one American were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. ""You your companies and you countries are enemies of the Revolution"" screamed the terrorist leader ""and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"" The Englishman spoke first. ""Before I die I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing ""God Save T…

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happene…